


No Remedy For Memory

by paleonpale



Category: Actor RPF, Benedict Cumberbatch - Fandom, British Actor RPF, Real Person Fiction
Genre: AU where Benedict isn't married obviously, Angst, F/M, Friendship/Love, Heartbreak, Love, Pining, Romance, Sappy, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-02-16
Updated: 2017-04-18
Packaged: 2017-11-02 01:08:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 23,678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/363336
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paleonpale/pseuds/paleonpale
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Evelyn and Benedict are childhood best friends, while Evelyn secretly harbours feelings for him the whole time. They lose touch with eachother but after 15 years are reunited by a chance meeting.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Home Again

**Author's Note:**

> This story is still a work in improvement, so constructive criticism would be welcome :) This story is also going to be unapologetically sappy, so if that isn't your thing, perhaps don't read this :P
> 
> This story is going to have plenty of flashbacks. I wanted a chance to explore what a childhood and early adulthood would be like in the shoes of a young Evelyn and Benedict but I also wanted there to be some kind of drama-rific context to the memories, if that makes sense. I'm all about the drama :D anyway, if there are any slip-ups in language or it seems confusing, please let me know.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evelyn returns home on business and she bumps into none other than Benedict.

  May 2011, London

Evelyn was reading the in-flight brochure, not really concentrating on the pictures or the words. Plane rides made her feel restless, especially this one, as it was taking her back home. She had discarded her book, and her mp3 player, not being able to concentrate on anything, no music able to calm her nerves.

The pilot’s voice came on over the speakers. “Alright everybody, we will be landing at Heathrow Airport shortly. Please ensure your seatbelts are fastened and that your seats are in the upright position. Thank you.”

Evelyn’s stomach began to fill with butterflies as she stuffed the magazine back into the seat pocket opposite her and buckled her seatbelt with shaky fingers. She felt nervous and she wasn’t sure why. She was going to London on a business trip after all, like so many other business trips she had made.

 _Of course you’re nervous. You haven’t been back home in ages. And of course, there’s the matter of…_ she stopped herself from thinking about him, thinking his name. She mentally shook herself. _Get a grip, Evelyn_ , she scolded herself. She quickly tried putting her mind to something else as the plane descended slowly. She looked outside her little window, seeing the lights of London twinkle brightly not so far down below. She wondered what time it was, and whether the jet lag would be bad. She knew she probably wouldn’t be able to sleep anyway; her nerves would make it impossible for that. She supposed she could get some work done, seeing as how she needed to meet with some colleagues in the morning.

Finally the plane landed, skidding on the runway and slowing to a stop. Evelyn felt jumpy, wanting to just get up and get off the plane immediately. She felt like she’d had ten cups of coffee or something.

When she finally got off the plane and was walking through to claim her luggage she began to feel somewhat calmer. As she kept a look out for her own bag out of all the luggage on the conveyor belt drifting slowly past, she found herself wishing her parents weren’t all the way in Australia. Despite having had a divorce in Evelyn’s teenage years, they seemed to be finding their way back to one another, and were dating again. This would be their first big holiday together in a very long time. She didn’t really know anyone here anymore, especially no one who she could ask to stay with. So instead of staying in her childhood home, she had booked a room in some hotel. She sighed, thinking of the lonely room that was awaiting her.

* * *

Late evening light danced off the buildings and cars as Evelyn exited the building where she had been having the meeting. It had been much longer than she had expected, starting in the morning and only just wrapping up. She glanced at her watch as her stomach rumbled loudly.

“Time for some dinner, I think,” she muttered to herself as she switched shoulders carrying the heavy bag holding case files and her ancient laptop. Evelyn was a forensic scientist, mainly specialising in toxicology but she had quite a bit of experience with forensic anthropology as well, which was the main reason she had the opportunity to come back to London to consult on this particular case. She knew she was quite lucky, seeing as how she did get to travel from time to time as a consultant. Not very many in her field could boast the same.

She looked around, trying to figure out which way to go. She’d been away the better part of fifteen years and despite the changes she saw around her, it was still London, forever familiar to her. Even so, finding her way around had been an interesting challenge, realising she had forgotten a great deal about this city. On top of that, she didn’t think she’d ever been around this part of the city before. All the same, she had missed being back home immensely and felt glad she would be staying for a while. She didn’t mind getting lost a little…apart from her grumbly stomach.

Evelyn had just spotted a cab that was pulling up and was hurrying to catch it when she bumped into someone trying to do the same.

“Oh! ‘Scuse me,” she apologised hurriedly, looking up to see who she had nearly bowled over. Who she saw made her gasp a little. She was completely unprepared for this. It had been a long time of course, but there was no mistaking that face, those eyes.

“It’s alright. You take the cab. Wait—Evie?”

“…Ben!” She let out a nervous laugh. What were the chances of this even happening? And on her first day back in town…

He looked as speechless as she felt, staring at her like he couldn’t figure out who or what he was looking at.

“Hey, are either of you getting in or not?” asked the cabbie loudly.

They both snapped out of it, remembering the cab. Benedict apologised to the driver and shut the cab door. He pulled Evelyn away from the street gently. She was distinctly aware of her heartbeat quickening, his hand on her arm…it was the first time they’d had any kind of physical contact in fifteen years or so.

“I can’t believe it’s you. After all this time…I don’t even know what to say,” he said, laughing a little, a curious smile playing on his lips.

Evelyn felt so baffled by the whole situation, completely unprepared to deal with this. What do you say to someone who you ran away from, with no explanation to him? Her mind couldn’t even seem to get around the fact that it really was him, that she was seeing him in the flesh after all these years. She wasn’t ever sure she could face him after what she’d done. She had left London all that time ago, to get away from a situation she couldn’t deal with at the time, and she hadn’t told Benedict, her childhood best friend—and her first love. Which he hadn’t known, of course. Evelyn hoped he still remained unaware of the feelings she had had for him.

She realised they were staring at each other, the strange silence just stretching on and on between them. Finally he stepped forward and pulled her into a hug, his arms encircling her. Up to that moment she was sure he’d never speak to her again if they even got to see each other again at all. To have him hold her after all this time, despite her having had pretty much abandoned him, was such a relief it almost hurt. She hugged him back tightly, standing on her toes to reach around his neck, fighting the urge to cry. She wanted to say how much she had missed him and how sorry she was, about everything, but she held herself back. She was still unsure how to go about this, what to say.

They pulled away from the hug, still studying each other. Neither of them knew what to say and the awkward silence returned. There was too much complicated history…what do you even say? She thought it was impossible that the city was still moving around them, cars were still going by, people bustling past them. She felt as if her own world has been stopped for a moment, almost as if she’d been inwardly waiting for this moment for so very, very long and she wanted to savour it, seeing him again.

“This is such bad timing,” he said finally. He glanced at his watch, looking more than a little uncomfortable.

“Are you late for something?” Evelyn asked, still not able to believe who she was talking to.

“Yes, actually. We’re shooting for the second series of Sherlock. Hence, this,” he said, pointing at his dark hair.

“Oh, yes!” She had noticed the much darker colour. How could she not? “That show is _really_ good,” she laughed gleefully, unable to help herself. “I mean, not just because you’re in it,” she teased.

“Well I do remember how much you used to be obsessed with the original stories.” He smiled at her, making her heart flutter a little. She realised how attracted to him she still was.

“Yes,” she laughed, trying to stamp down on those feelings. “Well, if you have to go, you should…” She didn’t want to stop talking, not yet, but she didn’t want to get in the way of his job, the life and career he’d built without her.

“Yeah…” He looked at the road briefly, at all the cars passing by. “Look, can I get your number?” he asked suddenly. “It’s just that I want to talk to you properly sometime and…I haven’t seen you in so long…” He trailed off. “That is, if you want to talk some more…” he said, a little awkwardly, looking unsure.

Evelyn blinked in surprise as she realised he was hesitating because he probably thought she despised him or something like that. It shouldn’t be surprising, considering how she left out of the blue.

“Yeah, of course! We should exchange numbers. I do want to catch up.” She didn’t feel as if she deserved it but she couldn’t deny wanting it very badly all the same.

He whipped out his phone, tapped in a few keys and passed the phone over to Evelyn and she put in her number. She handed him her phone and he did the same.

“There,” she said. “All done.” She looked up at him and gave him a tentative smile. He returned it with one of his big, warm smiles before hugging her briefly. He stepped away, closer to the road and hailed a cab.

“I’ll call you,” he said, still staring at her even as his cab pulled up.

She nodded and smiled. He got into the cab and waved at her through the window. She held up a hand to wave back as he was driven away. Her hand fluttered in the air for a moment before she let it drop to her side, feeling a little dazed and strange, like she had just come out of a dream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 16/11/12  
> I've made a few changes to this chapter so hopefully it flows a little better. I am also going to be editing chapter 2, probably pretty soon (exam procrastination, hehe).  
> Just wanted to say thank you to Kuon for the encouragement and tips! ^-^
> 
> Hope you enjoyed the chapter :)


	2. I Needed You To Run Through My Veins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where we meet a young Benedict.

Evelyn returned to her hotel room in a daze, completely distracted from replaying what just happened, seeing Benedict. She began to wonder if it had even happened…what were the chances? She laughed to herself as she got off the elevator, shaking her head. She was smiling, happy that he at least didn’t seem to be mad at her. She got to her room and let herself in and distractedly paced the room for some time.

Finally she shook herself mentally and went to draw herself a bath. She was then reminded of how hungry she was by her stomach growling loudly as she leant over the bathtub.

“Alright, alright,” she muttered to herself, patting her stomach. She went to find the phone and ordered some food, barely paying attention to what she ordered. She scribbled a hasty note telling room service to just knock and leave the food outside her door. She ducked outside quickly and stuck the note to her door.

Back inside the bathroom again, she shucked off her clothes and sank into the warm, fragrant bathwater.

Over the years, she had never really let herself think about Benedict. There was a time when they had been the best of friends and there was nothing they hadn't told each other, wasn't a day where they didn't talk. She noticed he had taken up residence in the back of her mind, his voice laced itself through her dreams even after all these years but she wouldn’t let herself _really_ think about him. But now she sat back and memories and thoughts from her past came back to her easily and she let them resurface for the first time in years.

 

* * *

_It was summer. Thirteen year old Evelyn was sitting in the backseat of her parents’ car, the radio was on but the wind coming through the windows drowned out what was playing. Evelyn looked over at her parents and they had looked so optimistic, so excited about moving them all to a new town, a whole new house. She tried not to show how much she was dreading the whole thing. She was leaving behind friends, her school, the only house she’d ever lived in. She felt as if she was being ripped away from everything she knew. She tried to come to grips with feeling a new sense she’d never really experienced before. A sense of loss and being adrift. Nothing felt familiar. She hated it. She went back to reading in the morning light coming through the car windows._

_“Not long now, Evie. We’re nearly there,” her father chirped._

_It wasn’t long before they pulled up to a little house on an old street. The sun was already shining over the roofs of the houses. Evelyn got out of the car just as the removals truck pulled up. She clutched her book to her chest as she looked at their new home. She stood there, just staring for some time, seeing the morning light colour everything. She couldn’t help feeling like she was on the brink of something big, like she was about to encounter something of immense importance, but she couldn’t put her finger on why she felt like that._

_“Evie, come on and help!” her mother’s voice cut through her thoughts, bringing her sharply back. Her mother looked at Evelyn for a bit before setting down the box she was carrying, smiling at her. She laughed, pulling her into a hug. “My dreamer,” she said fondly. “Sometimes I wonder if you realise how often you drift off like that.” She planted a kiss on her daughter’s forehead before urging her to carry a box and help out._

_A few hours later, Evelyn was making her way up the small flight of stairs carrying the last box of her stuff to her room when the doorbell rang. She continued on to her room, dropping the box next to the others by her door. She looked around the bare room, trying to visualise having her stuff set up properly in there as she heard voices at the door. The next moment her mother called for her to come down. She sighed, giving the depressingly bare room a last glance over before making her way back downstairs._

_As she jumped the last two steps, she noticed there were two people standing in the open doorway. A friendly looking man and woman smiled at her as she walked up to stand a little behind her mother. Evelyn looked at her mother questioningly but she was already introducing the strangers to her._

_“Evelyn, this is Timothy Cumberbatch and his wife Wanda. They live next door. Say hello,” she said, making her feel like a child. She thought their last name was a little unusual but she greeted them politely._

_“And this is our son, Benedict,” Wanda said, pulling a boy seemingly out of nowhere. He must have been standing outside. But none of that really mattered to Evelyn because all she could think at that moment was how good looking this boy standing before her was. Morning sunlight striked his auburn curls, setting them aglow. His eyes were bright, he was pale, everything about him made her think of light. Evelyn felt a blush creep across her cheeks and she stuttered out a “Hello.”_

_“Hello,” he replied, looking mostly disinterested in being there, but he still smiled at her, making her young heart flutter._

_Evelyn’s mother then ushered them all in, guiding them to the kitchen. She bustled about, making everyone tea. Evelyn tried very hard not to stare at the boy but she couldn’t help glancing at him. He caught her doing this and gave her a small, somewhat awkward smile, then looked away. Her face flushed and she felt embarrassed about it, about the whole situation, being caught staring, which made her turn even more red. She tried keeping her eyes on her shoes, or out the window._

_She tried dismissing herself, but her mother and their new neighbours were too busy talking. She looked towards the kitchen doorway but the boy was there, looking bored. She decided to slip out quietly through the back door to make her way through the backyard and around the house, back out to the front._

_As she was coming back in through the front door, she bumped into Benedict._

_“Oh! I’m sorry,” she mumbled, looking down at her feet again, not daring to look into those bright eyes._

_“It’s alright,” he said, already developing that lovely baritone voice of his. “I was going to ask if you’d like to show me around or something, anything to get away from our parents talking,” he grinned at her, his cheeks dimpling. “But you’d gone somewhere.”_

_Evelyn could not help herself. She looked up into his face, those eyes pinning her like a rabbit in headlights. Her mouth suddenly felt very dry and her stomach felt full of fluttering butterflies._

_“I…um…” she stuttered inarticulately._

_He gave her a strange look but smiled all the same. “So, I didn’t catch your name before.”_

_She cleared her throat, frantically searching her brain for this obvious piece of information. Her name! Why couldn’t she remember her name?? “Um…Evelyn. I’m Evelyn,” she finally said, wondering if she had broken out in a sweat._

_“Well, it’s nice to meet you,” he said. After getting to know him better after meeting him, she had always wondered about his social skills. Even at this young age, he seemed quite at ease meeting new people. Or maybe she was just comparing her abysmal social skills to how easily he was talking to her._

_“You too,” she mumbled. She couldn’t think of a single thing to say._

* * *

Evelyn sat in her warm bath, thinking how she wanted to hang onto her first impression of him. She tried conjuring up the image of him standing in the doorway, the halo of bright curls atop his head, those bright eyes. She was no longer remembering him as a boy but sometime later, maybe during a long summer, or when he came back from his gap year. He had looked so full of life. Always the light in the dark for her…wintry sunlight on a grey day, his presence illuminating her life from the beginning, pulling her out of the gloom. Moonlight shining brightly through a window, figures moving together in the otherwise dark room. Dark corridors, shining lights floating just out of reach.

The memories were dissolving into nonsensical dreams. She was lost in the dark.

* * *

The sound of the doorbell ringing jolted her out of her dreams. She was left with a feeling like she’d just been falling but didn’t know why. She couldn’t remember what she had been dreaming about and was surprised she’d fallen asleep.

 _But then again, I haven’t slept the entire time I’ve been here…so maybe it’s not so surprising_ , she thought to herself.

Evelyn looked around her, realising she was still in the bathtub, the water lukewarm now. Her neck was a little sore from how her head had been resting on the edge of the tub. She rubbed the back of her neck as she carefully got out of the bathtub. She grabbed a bathrobe and made her way to the door.

She found a tray with the food she had ordered on it. Looking at it, she realised her stomach was roiling and she suddenly didn’t feel much like eating. She picked up the tray all the same and brought it back into her room. She switched on the television and ate her food, not really tasting any of it, Benedict still clear in her mind.


	3. Late-Night Phone Calls

Evelyn was asleep, television still on, colours flickering over her frowning face. Her dreams were confusing, a mesh of what might have been actual memories moulded into fantasy. She always thought these dreams were the worst, because she would wake up feeling disoriented, still caught in the dreams…feeling for just a second that they were real.

In the dream, it had been like she had never left. For a fleeting moment everything between them had gone how she had wanted to, for so long—he felt for her what she had felt for him since the first moment she had set eyes on him. Impossibly, he had been holding her, telling her how much he loved her and had loved her from the start.

Suddenly a ringing noise tore through her sleep and she woke with a start. Her dreams still clung to her, but the images were dissipating fast. As quick as that she couldn’t remember what she had been dreaming about or why she felt as sad as she did. She struggled to figure out what was making the noise before realising it was her phone. She grappled around in the relative darkness, blinking in the dim light. She registered dimly that it must be morning already, watery sunshine attempting to come through the thin curtains. Her fingers finally closed around the horribly loud, vibrating phone.

“What fresh hell is this?” she muttered to herself tiredly, wondering if it was related to the case she was working on—perhaps they needed her to come in early.  She stared at the screen with bleary eyes, trying to make out the words with difficulty.

 _Benedict calling_ , glowed on the screen. Evelyn’s heart skipped a beat.

She clicked the answer button. “Hello?” Realising she sounded much like a zombie, she cleared her throat as discretely as she could.

“Hello,” he answered, sounding as if he was about to laugh. “You sound awful.”

Evelyn snorted, feeling a warm glow at his easy familiarity, despite the fact he was poking fun at her.

“I’m jetlagged, take a little pity on me.” A stupid grin was spreading across her face.

“Aww, I see,” he cooed. His voice still did delicious things to her, his rich voice making her feel tingly inside. Her memories of his voice were never as good as the real thing. “I’m sorry for waking you, Evie. Did you want me to call you back later?” There was definitely laughter in his voice now, making Evelyn roll her eyes. He had always made fun of her almost constant sleepiness when they were younger.

She lay back down against the pillows, smiling to herself. This phone call reminded her of all the times he used to call her in the middle of the night when he was away at boarding school, back when they were teenagers. She felt slightly amazed that he’d called her so soon, that he’d called her at all.

“Well, I don’t see the point in that. I’m awake already aren’t I?” She laughed. Any last traces of sleepiness was gone, every cell in her body coaxed out of slumber by his wonderful voice. She didn’t want him to hang up. She had missed the sound of his voice dearly.

“Well if you say so…” he said, deliberately sounding doubtful. She could just imagine the small playful smile he was probably wearing.

“So…what’s up? “

He paused a moment. “Well, I was wondering whether you’d like to grab some lunch or something sometime. Maybe today, if you’re free?”

She realised she had been holding her breath. She released it in a silent _whoosh_ , feeling slightly giddy. The thought of seeing Benedict drew out a slew of confusing emotions. A part of her desperately wanted to see him again, talk to her best friend the way they used to. And another more cowardly part of her, the one that had reigned supreme for the past fifteen or so years, wanted to run again.

The braver and perhaps more desperate side of her won over. “Sure. I’d love that.” She had been planning to do some work later on in the evening, wisely predicting the tired state she would be in so she had the day off. She didn’t know if she was really ready to face Benedict again, but she knew she had to. She’d spent so long away from him, thinking that even if she tried contacting him again, he’d never speak to her. And here he was, calling her like he’d done so many times in the past. She couldn’t just ignore it.

“That’s great. Where are you staying? Your mum’s or dad’s? I could come pick you up if you like.”

“Oh, no I’m not staying with my parents. I’m staying at a hotel,” she explained. “Mum and dad have actually started dating again. They’ve gone to Australia for a couple of weeks. There isn’t really anyone left here to give me a place to stay.”

He was quiet a moment before saying, “You could’ve asked me…”

Evelyn was caught off guard. It had been a very long time since she felt like she could go to him for anything. She had gotten used to thinking she could never expect him to talk to her again, let alone go to him for a favour. “Well, I don’t know…I wasn’t sure if I could. After…after everything,” she finished inadequately. “I didn’t think I could ask you.”

“Of course you could,” he said simply.

“What, show up and ask you out of the blue if I could stay with you for a bit? I don’t think my past behaviour would have allowed that at all,” she said, laughing uncomfortably.

“Evelyn…” He paused. “You’re still my…friend,” he said, sounding a little unsure of his choice of words. “I never stopped thinking that.”

Hearing him say that made Evelyn feel incredibly warm inside. “Wow…you really never stay mad at anyone, do you?” she joked feebly. She couldn’t remember the last time he’d ever held a grudge against her, or anyone for that matter.

“I guess not, no,” he replied, a smile in his voice.

“In any case, I wouldn’t have known where to find you,” she reminded him.

“True…you might have been able to ask my parents actually. They still keep in touch with your parents.”

“I think I wanted to try give them a call a hundred times over the years but stopped myself,” she admitted uncomfortably.

“Why?”

Evelyn kept quiet. A familiar cold feeling spread from her heart, crawling to the very tips of her fingers and toes. She consciously tried to shake the feeling, curling up on her side, burrowing deeper in the warm blankets. “I don’t know, Benny,” she said finally, using her old nickname for him, it rolling off her tongue feeling like the most natural thing in the world again. There was no way to put into words the regret she had been harbouring all these years. Not yet anyway.

Now it was Benedict’s turn to be quiet and even though she wasn’t sure if it was the right time to say it, she felt like it. “Ben?”

“Mm?”

“I’ve missed you. More than you could possibly know. I hope I can explain why I left and never contacted you over the years. But…it’s just really good hearing your voice again.” There. It was out. She felt slightly better that she had said it out loud to him.

He cleared his throat. “You too, Evie. I’ve missed you too.”

A more comfortable silence followed.

“Well, would you like me to pick you up for lunch?”

“Yeah, sure,” she was glad the conversation had turned to a less intense subject. She let him know what hotel she was staying at.

“Does half past twelve sound alright to you?” he asked.

Evelyn looked over at the glowing numbers of the clock by the bed. It was quarter to eleven _._ Plenty of time to get ready. “Sounds great.” She was smiling, her stomach flipping in excitement at the prospect of seeing him again.

Before he could say anything else, she said “Ben…I’m really glad you called me.”

“Yeah, me too.” He chuckled a bit. “Guess it’s like old times, huh?”

“That’s exactly what I was thinking actually.”

“Well, I’ll leave you to wake up properly and drag yourself out of bed,” he teased.

Evelyn laughed. “Thanks. See you soon.”

“Mhmm." In her mind's eye she saw him smiling softly. "Bye, Evie."

She lay there for a while, cradling her phone against her chest, wondering what would happen from this moment on. For once she didn’t feel the overwhelming urge to run and she almost felt relieved. She was tired of running.


	4. All I've Ever Wanted

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I haven't updated this fic in a really long time and I'm really sorry for anyone who might still care about this story but anyway, hope you enjoy :)

Benedict waited until Evelyn had hung up and the call had cut off before he lowered his phone from his ear. He got up and paced for a moment, which he was prone to doing, wondering for the millionth time in the past twenty-four hours whether this was real. Evelyn was within reach for the first time in _fifteen_ years and he was still trying to come to grips with it.

He still had a few calls to make that morning, needing to call back both his agent and his publicist who had tried ringing him that morning. He had been sleeping fitfully after coming home from the set at three in the morning and not wanting to be disturbed he had put his phone on silent. He was also considering calling Mum about seeing Evie, but he held himself back, feeling a childish fear that he might jinx everything and it would turn out that he _had_ in fact imagined seeing her.

Benedict knew he needed to stop pacing around his flat aimlessly. But the moment Benedict had seen Evelyn the night before kept replaying in his mind. He had thought he had been imagining her but the forever familiar features of her face had been unmistakable, even after all these years. Her soft chestnut brown hair still fell to her shoulders in loose waves, framing a pale, heart shaped face. She still had a light dusting of freckles across her nose and cheeks. The only thing that was new was the style of her fringe and that she no longer looked like a shy young girl approaching adulthood but a confident, grown woman. He had also noticed she pronounced her words differently, like she had picked up a different accent while she had been away. Her bright green eyes had been wide when they met his gaze, her lips forming a silent O. He didn’t know who seemed more surprised, Evelyn or him. It had been like seeing a ghost.

Just for something to do he headed into his kitchen and put the kettle on. He was restless and his own pacing was even driving _him_ mad. He remembered the way Evelyn would scold him for constantly pacing as he practised his lines in the flat they shared briefly back when they were still at the same university. To be fair, he sometimes went into her room to pace back and forth, or in the living room when she was trying to read or watch telly, so it was understandable that she would snap at him. He smiled a little sadly at the memory.

Benedict was at a loss about how he felt about the whole thing. He still wasn’t sure why she abruptly left the country to go study elsewhere and severed all contact with him fifteen years before. Any ideas he had come up with over the years were mere speculation. By all rights he should still be angry with her, but like she had said, he rarely held a grudge against anyone, least of all his oldest friend. He had always found it was impossible to stay mad at her.

He realised anew how much he had missed having Evelyn in his life. 

* * *

Evelyn finally pulled herself out of bed, feeling flutters of nervousness in her belly. She needed to get ready for her little lunch date. _Don’t think of it as a date_ , she instantly scolded herself. It was just lunch with an old friend. _No big deal_ , she tried convincing herself. She made her way to the bathroom, threw off her clothes and hopped into the shower.

After finishing and getting out she wiped her hand across the steamed up mirror and found herself staring at her reflection. For the first time in a long while she studied her features seriously, knowing full well she felt slightly more conscious of her looks when it came to Benedict. She was generally happy with how she looked but she couldn’t help wondering what he saw when he looked at her. She wondered if she had looked any different to Benedict the night before. Benedict himself seemed to have only gotten more handsome in the time she hadn’t seen him in person. His boyishly good looks had become more mature, honed by the years they had been apart. She had seen some of his work over the years of course, but it wasn't the same when he was standing right before her. She had always wondered how she would feel seeing him again, always guiltily half hoping that her feelings would ebb with time. But how she felt when she saw him the night before had proved her wrong. The feelings that had been slumbering all this time had slammed into her and swept over her like a wave, rocking her to the core with their intensity.

Evelyn brought herself back to reality and reminded herself she needed to get ready or else she would be late.

Despite her worries, she ended up being early. At quarter past twelve, Evelyn was sitting in the lobby of the hotel, nervously drumming her fingers on the armrest of the couch she was perched upon. She resisted the urge to look at her watch for the millionth time. She hated feeling this nervous and tried to remind herself that there was no need to feel this anxious.

 _Oh yes, there is_ , she thought suddenly. _You’re about to have lunch with your childhood best friend and man you are still secretly in love with. Who you ran away from, remember? There are plenty of reasons to be nervous._ Instantly she tried swatting those thoughts away and took a deep breath, trying to focus on something else. She found herself drifting into memories again. It was almost as if by letting them resurface after so much time, they were quick and eager to come to the surface again.

Evelyn found herself thinking of when he had gone away to Harrow, his boarding school. It was the year they had met. One night in particular stood out to her, mainly because she had felt incredibly lonely within a couple of days of his leaving. Being one of the only thirteen year olds in her neighbourhood had been strange and she had liked Benedict's company. And of course there was her ever-growing crush on him to consider.

* * *

_It was a couple of months after they had first met. Benedict had departed for boarding school a couple of days before. If Harrow hadn’t been exclusively for boys, Evelyn would have begged her parents to send her there as well. She looked out over to the Cumberbatch home next door, Benedict's bedroom window dark. Knowing he wasn't in his room and that he was far away made her feel strange. She'd gotten used to him always being somewhere nearby, sometimes seeing him in his room, if she happened to glance over at the right time. If he noticed her looking over, he'd smile and wave. Sometimes he'd beckon her over and ask whether she wanted to go biking somewhere. The town they lived in was beautiful and charming, and they'd spent the past couple of months of summer going about exploring._

_Evelyn and Benedict had become good friends, brought together by the fact that they were the only kids their age living in their neighbourhood. She was an only child, her parents both working psychologists, so both of them were usually a little too busy for their daughter. Evelyn was sorry to see her only friend in this town go. Her parents thought her general moping around the past couple of days was due to what they called “a crush”, teasing her lightly that her “boyfriend” would be back soon enough for Christmas. On these occasions she would brush off their comments. She didn't like to admit it, but they were right. She did like him; from the moment they met she knew he was quite extraordinary but she'd be damned if her parents or anyone were going to know about it or ever hear her admit it. She had decided very early on that it was a stupid thing to develop feelings of any kind other than a friendly sort for Benedict._

_She felt a sort of certainty that he did not, and probably would not, feel the same way._

_All she knew was that before moving here, she had had no interest in boys, especially not her age. They all seemed so similar and immature at best. She understood liking the way someone looked, being attracted to them because of how they were built, the structure of their facial features and the like. But she hadn't really felt it up until the moment she had met him._

_She was an avid reader and of course had read many books about love. But she had to admit she hadn't really felt anything similar to anything she read, which she had been fine with. She tended to look at everything in a somewhat calculating, cautious way. In any case, romance novels weren't her favourite sort to read, they were more of a curiosity. She preferred mystery, detective stories, science fiction or fantasy novels. But even in these books love was present, maybe the motive for a murder, or the reason someone went across the universe or fought in battles._

_She wondered about love, whether it permeated real life too, the way it did in some of her many books._

_Upon meeting Benedict for the first time, when he and his parents came around to greet them and welcome them to the neighbourhood, she didn’t understand what she was feeling when she saw him, standing in the bright morning sunshine. She couldn't figure it out for herself because she'd never experienced anything like it before. Her parents noticed however, and constantly teased her about her “crush”._

_It had been a couple of months since she had met Benedict and she had finally worked out what she was feeling for him. She felt somewhat embarrassed by it, however. She felt certain that there was no way that he would feel the same way about her. She felt like she might be too awkward to be attractive to someone else. Her parents were always telling her she was beautiful and whatnot, but she figured that's what parents did, that all parents think their children are beautiful. Strangely, she desperately wanted to be beautiful to Benedict, to appeal to him as he appealed to her, to be special in his eyes._

_But he had never acted as though he did and she never acted on her own feelings, actively choosing to love him as a friend, rather than anything else._

* * *

Evelyn shook her head at her younger self, amazed that she ever felt that insecure. And over a boy! She hadn’t thought about it, but she knew she had become more confident over the years, thanks to excelling in her studies and building her career. Her competence in these areas gave her a subtle confidence boost and had consequently made her more comfortable with herself over the years.

Even so, Benedict had a way of making her want to impress him, which she rarely felt she needed to do with other men.

“Thinking hard?” a voice asked of her suddenly, making her jump. Her unfocused gaze snapped up to see an amused looking Benedict, standing before her.

“Woah, Ben! Don’t sneak up on me like that!” Evelyn said, trying to compose herself, her stomach erupting with butterflies at the sight of him standing there, a grin on his face.

“I didn’t,” Benedict said, laughing. “I’ve been standing here for a full minute. I guess you still drift off into your head and dream like you always used to. The amount of times I’ve practically had to shake you to get you out of your thoughts,” he laughed again, shaking his head. He held out his hand, which Evelyn took, trying to ignore the wonderful feeling of his skin against hers.

“I can’t help it if I think so hard I forget where I am sometimes,” she said, swatting him lightly on the arm. “Especially since I was bored.”

“How long have you been waiting? I’m on time!”

She looked at her watch, noting it was indeed half past twelve. She shrugged. “I was a little early, I guess. Didn’t want to be late for our little catch-up.” She smiled up at him, which he returned. She was reminded just how much she loved his smile, the way his cheeks dimpled adorably.

“So where are you taking me?” she asked as they made their way out of the hotel.

“A little café I’m fond of. It’s not too far from here actually, so I thought we’d just walk.”

“Ah,” Evelyn said. “Did you ride your bike over here?”

“Oh, no. Drove here by car.”

Evelyn felt slightly relieved and said so. “Perhaps over the years you've developed some sense when it comes to vehicles,” she teased, poking him gently in the ribs.

He let out a noise and poked her back. “I have plenty of sense when it comes to transport, thank you very much.” This argument had been very well picked over, ever since he had first decided to get a motorbike. Evelyn had never approved and had always worried about it when they were younger.

“Well, you do realise how many people who ride motorbikes die in horrific accidents—“

Benedict cut her short with a well used answer he always used to throw at her. “And many people who drive cars die in horrific accidents, Evie.”

“Yes, but at least there's a casing that surrounds you if you crash when you're in a car. And there are seatbelts!”

“Mhmm. All the better to get crushed in the interior of a car, am I right?” Benedict pointed out, knowing full well she never had an answer to that one. He grinned at her as she just grumbled and muttered about him being incredibly stubborn.

Evelyn was surprised at how easy it was to fall back into talking to him. It was almost as if nothing had happened, and no time had passed at all. Almost. Apart from the fact he was not being as familiar with her as he would have done. Back before she had left, when they were almost always together, he would often have his arm around her comfortably or she would have her arms wrapped around his waist as they walked, especially when she had felt cold. They hugged each other frequently, for comfort on rough days or for someone to hang onto while they laughed. Many people who met them for the first time were often under the impression that they were together, and they would quickly correct them, saying they were just friends.

Evelyn smiled to herself sadly, remembering how much she had wanted to be more than friends, how she secretly hoped for the day when they wouldn't have to correct anyone who thought they were together.

“Why do you look so sad all of a sudden, Evie?” Benedict's deep voice was soft, full of concern. She looked at him, his eyes looking a mottled blue-green in the watery sunshine. Again she was amazed that he still cared about her, the concern etched on his face.

She quickly smiled at him, shaking her head. “I'm not sad, Ben. I was just thinking about something.”

He didn't look convinced. “Evie...”

She gave in, as she always did. She didn't like lying to Benedict. “I was just thinking how great it is talking to you again...and I was thinking about how we used to be, way back when...you know.”

He gave her a small smile, the expression in his eyes unreadable. “You mean how we used to be practically attached at the hip? Yes, I know. I remember.”

She returned the smile, happy that he remembered.

“Here we are,” Benedict said suddenly. He had stopped next to the entrance of a cute little cafe, little hanging flowerpots decorating the windows. The scent of coffee and waffles drifted out, making Evelyn's stomach rumble.

He held out his hand to her formally. “Shall we?”

Evelyn smiled at him, bowing her head slightly, taking his hand and letting him lead her into the fragrant little shop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for taking the time to read this fic. I hope you enjoyed this chapter! If you like, you can leave me feedback as it is always appreciated and I love hearing from readers :)
> 
> This Benedict fic is actually the one closest to my heart (Lola, my other one, is more popular and fun to write but yeah) and I think that's partly why it's so difficult for me to write it :D I spent a very long time with this story and the characters in my head and I got overly attached to it and have made it weirdly complicated for myself to write sooo. I hope to be better with updating this fic in the future.
> 
> I was also hoping to have a Christmas special up for this fic but I doubt I'll have anything like that up in time for Christmas as I've been working crazy holiday season hours. A pity, but oh well :D


	5. Hello From The Other Side

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's gloss over the fact that it's been nearly two years since I updated this fic and just get on with the chapter :D I've missed writing this story quite a bit.

They ducked into the small, fragrant café, Evelyn allowing Benedict to lead her by her hand to a small booth at the back of the shop. Looking around the café, she noted little things—how the charmingly worn tables were polished to a nice gleam, the twinkling fairy lights strung up around the booths, how a friendly looking older man nodded toward Benedict in friendly recognition—anything to ground her in this moment. The skin of her hand tingled with the sensation of Ben's warm fingers wrapped around hers and for the millionth time in that hour she could hardly believe where she was or who she was with. Reaching their table, Benedict slid into the booth after gesturing for Evelyn to take a seat opposite him. The little table had an adorable mason jar holding a small handful of gerberas flanked by two wonderfully tacky salt and pepper shakers in the shape of garden gnomes. Silently delighted by these things, Evelyn gently touched the shakers, the colourful flower petals, smiling to herself.

Ben chuckled, making Evelyn look up to see his fondly amused expression.

“What?” she asked, laughing uncertainly.

“I’ll admit I decided to take you here because I thought if your tastes in decor are still the same, then I knew you’d like it in here,” he smiled at her fondly. “I’m just glad _that_ at least hasn’t changed.” Despite his lighthearted tone, there was a slightly resigned feeling to his statement and she felt every fibre of her being desperately want to reassure him, that she was still the same person she once was, even if inside she wasn’t so sure. She registered dimly that she was still fiercely protective of him.

Evelyn blinked, unsure what to say. “Oh, along with my cheesy taste in decor, I don’t think I’ve changed all that much,” she said finally, going back to looking at the flowers, completely unused to being pinned by that bright eyed stare. There was a time when she was able to look at him and her facial expressions and the gestures she made wouldn’t give her feelings for him away, all just from sheer practise. But after being apart for so long she couldn’t be sure if her face wouldn’t give away how her heart still fluttered and thumped hard at the sight of his face, the sound of his voice, his eternally comforting presence. 

“What, after 15 odd years?”

She nodded, meeting his eyes again bravely. “I don’t think I’ve changed very much,” she repeated, smiling a little tightly, not feeling sure of it herself. In actual fact, everything that had happened, the time, _had_ all changed her in some ways—how could it not?. She just wasn’t sure she wanted to admit it yet, especially when she wanted so badly to go back to how things were, now that he was within reach again. She felt the inevitable pull of him, as if something in him were tugging at her heart, her very being.

  
Ben studied her silently for a moment, a curious expression on his face but before he could say anything, a waitress came up and asked if they were ready to order.

Evelyn’s eyes dropped to the menu on the table in front of her, eyes quickly scanning, grateful for the distraction.

Finally Evelyn chose something light for her roiling tummy and a cuppa to calm her nerves. Very milky sweet tea always soothed her when she was nervous and that was exactly what she needed at that moment. The waitress made note of their order, gathered up their menus and sauntered away.

With no other distractions Evelyn gave in to the pull of Benedict’s stare. He was studying her as if she would disappear again and this was the last time he’d see her. Elbows on the table, he brushed his knuckles back and forth across his lips, a faint, sad smile on his face. Knowing him, he probably didn’t even realise his feelings were written all over his face, that he was even staring like he was. Evelyn always found a wonderful feeling of familiarity, even pride, that she could often read his face like an open book, even when everyone else around misjudged him—the silly girls he had gone out with when he had been younger, the friends that came in and out of his life, all of them trying to figure him out for one reason or another and there she was, reading his face, familiar as her own. Looking back on it, that was probably part of the reason his admirers and brief flings disliked Evelyn so intensely.

“What’s wrong?” she asked finally, prying herself loose from her thoughts. “Why are you looking at me like you’re never going to see me again?”

Benedict laughed, not seeming to know where to start. “I just can’t seem to get my head around it…” he shook his head, breaking eye contact with her and keeping his eyes on his hands now folded on the table. “You were here and then you were gone and I’ve barely heard anything from you for so long and suddenly—” he gestured to her, “Here you are again. Frankly, I’m not sure if this _isn’t_ the last time I’ll see you.” He smiled ruefully. "I think I've grown up enough to just feel grateful to see you again."

Immediately the old guilt came flooding back and it must have registered on her face because Benedict looked at her in concern all of a sudden.

Before he could say anything, she reached out to grab his hand and leaned forward, wanting to make sure he knew how sincerely sorry she was. “Ben, I know leaving so suddenly with no word was awful and even worse I kept away and didn’t keep in touch...I want to be able to tell you why I did it,” and as she said it she knew it was true, she wanted to finally come clean about it, wanted to scatter her secrets to the wind, if only to move forward. But she also hoped that in letting him know what happened, they would be able to overcome this huge divide that had inevitably sprung up between them and at least be good friends again. “You were one of the most important people in my life and I didn’t treat you as such. I’m just so sorry about that. I hope I can fix this…”

Benedict leaned forward too and took both her hands in his, gazing into her eyes deeply, mottled blue into bright green. “Evie, you don’t need to apologise. I’m not angry anymore.” He dropped his gaze for a moment. “I do of course want to understand what made you leave so suddenly but I know— knew— you well enough to know that you don’t do things without good reason.” Evelyn felt a small jab of pain at the word “knew” and could have kicked herself. She reminded herself that _she_ was the reason they were no longer close.

She smiled feebly.

The waitress came and set down their drinks, her presence making Evelyn realise she was still holding his hand. She let him go, rubbing her hands together absently.

“Anyway, this is meant to be a catch up, so...what have you been up to these past sixteen years?”

Evelyn began preparing her tea the way she liked it, tearing open sachet after sachet of sugar, pouring in a generous amount of milk to top it all off. She snorted lightly at his question, stirring her tea delicately. “What, just give you a running list of what I’ve been doing?” 

“Sure, why not?” he answered, his cheek dimpling with a cheeky, lopsided grin. 

“You promise you won’t get bored? I _have_ been pretty busy all these years,” she gave him a smile.

He propped his arm up on the table, presenting his pinky finger. “I promise.” He wiggled his finger at her, waiting.

Evelyn chuckled and wrapped her pinky finger around his, as if they were still kids and this was a pinky promise to never tell another soul that he had streaked through a village while away at boarding school one chilly morning, or to never tell anyone how she recorded herself covering her favourite songs using her mother’s tape recorder. She would still be mortified if he made mention of it today, frankly.

So Evelyn settled back into the booth, her hands wrapped around her steaming cup of tea, not entirely sure where to begin.

“You know what? I think I’m much more interested in hearing about what you’ve been up to. Of course I know you’ve been working as an actor, so don’t try to be a smartass and say that,” she pointed at him in warning.

“Me? A _smartarse_ , never!” He chuckled, holding a hand over his heart. “You’ve picked up an accent,” he said, leaning forward, bringing their faces closer together. Her eyes flicked to his lips and she cursed at herself inwardly. She always used to be good at hiding things and controlling herself, but she was out of practice.

Evelyn cocked her head to the side. “Have I?”

“You seem to dip in and out of an American accent.”

Evie’s lips twitched to the side. “Nothing ever gets past you,” she remarked wryly.

“I’m Sherlock Holmes, remember?” he said, pointing to his dark hair.

“Of course, of course,” she conceded. She resisted the urge to ruffle his hair playfully.

They were silent a moment as they sipped at their drinks and tried to think of things to say to close the yawning divide between them. They were circling and circling each other, avoiding deeper subjects perhaps. Maybe Evelyn just needed to take that leap, but she wasn’t sure how. She was about to mention her time in America, and that was perhaps why she had picked up an odd accent, anything to break the silence but he beat her to it.

“So I think that little hotel you’re staying at seems a bit shit and that you should probably just stay with me,” he said, his eyes on his mug of coffee, idly tracing the patterns on the side with a finger.

Evelyn blinked, feeling surprised. “What? The hotel isn’t shit.” Trust Evie to respond to _that_ part of his statement, rather than the bit that actually was a big deal.

“It is,” he insisted, looking completely sincere, only the wee twinkle in his eyes giving him away. “It’s dingy, the patrons all looked dodgy and I’m sure the concierge might actually be a wanted serial killer.”

Evelyn gave him a look. “Are we talking about the same place?” The hotel she was staying at was known as one of the oldest hotels in London, very well respected and very well taken care of. Evelyn had chosen it because if she was going to be staying on her own in a lonely hotel room she had wanted to do it in comfort and style, never mind the extra cost. So she thought, why not? “The hotel isn’t shit at all, Ben, you cheeky bastard.” She laughed, wondering what the hell he was working up to saying.

“Well, no, it isn’t. But you should still stay with me anyway.” Ben flashed that damn charming smile which hit Evie right in the chest.

She tried not to splutter and took a subtle deep breath. “Ben, no, I couldn’t…”

“Of course you can,” he said simply.

“I couldn’t impose on you like that. It’s not like I’ve been such a great friend to you...I mean, I know you don’t hold grudges but this is a little ridiculous, don’t you think?”

He shrugged his shoulders lightly. “No, I don’t think so. You’re not just anyone, Evie...it’s _you_. You’ve always been important to me...if absent as of late.”

“As of late?” she repeated incredulously. “I’m the awful friend who abandoned you 15 years ago, remember?”

“And like I said, I know you must have had your reasons,” he gazed into her eyes, trying hard to convince her. He wondered how to put into words the fact that he simply wasn’t willing to let her go again now that she was here. “You need somewhere to stay, and I have plenty of room for you to stay with me while you’re here. It’s silly of you to be staying in a hotel. You should be somewhere familiar, barring that at least with some _one_ familiar.”

She blinked under the intensity of his eyes.

And finally she gave in, nodding.

“Are you absolutely sure?”

Ben let out mock sigh. “Of course I’m sure, Evie. You’ve always been welcome…” he paused. “I’ve just been waiting for you to come back.” He didn’t finish the sentence, _I’ve just been waiting for you to come back to me._

He leapt into a change of conversation, trying to cover his near slip up. “So...where have you been all this time, Evie? America? Canada?"

"Mostly in America, but I briefly lived in Australia as well." Her father was originally from Australia and up until she had left to study and travel (or flee more like), her dual citizenship was just a mildly interesting tidbit about her, but it ended up allowing her to study for some time in the land down under.

"And what did you do in Australia and America? Aside from pick up a number of confusing accents," he teased.

"I don't think I picked up a  _number_  of accents," she chuckled. "I studied mainly...put my head down and worked on my thesis..."

"Oh that's right...and you got your masters degree didn't you? "

Evie smiled a little sheepishly and chuckled. "Doctorate, actually."

He looked surprised. "Well that's Mum for you, getting little details wrong," he laughed affectionately. "But that's really great! You always talked about getting your doctorate just so you could announce yourself as _Doctor_ ," he said, putting a great deal of dramatic emphasis on the word.

"Oh dear," he said suddenly.

"What?" she asked, looking worried.

"Does this mean you'll make me call you Doctor now? "

Evelyn thumped his arm lightly, laughing. "No, of course not. I'm not that big-headed."

They spent an hour or two talking like this, chatting about the sorts of things they had gotten up to. They were almost avoiding the issue and circling each other. Really, neither of them were quite ready to dive into anything too deep, so together they kept up a steady stream of idle chit chat. Evelyn felt somewhat relieved, knowing she wanted more time to get her bearings. 

Eventually Evelyn had to put an end to their little catch-up, no matter how little she wanted to do so. Looking at her watch she realised she needed to be getting to work soon. They agreed to talk later to arrange her coming to stay with him and with that she left a little hurriedly, but with a distinct lightness to her step. She didn't bother to hide the big smile that crept across her face as she thought of the prospect of talking to him again, of seeing him again.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks ever so much for reading this and I really hope you're enjoying the story so far :)


	6. Your Shadow Is With Me Wherever I Go

It was late on a Friday night and Evelyn was working. Well, getting distracted while working. She stared blankly at her computer screen, her mostly finished report sitting untouched for the past couple of minutes while her mind drifted, her index finger tapping the desk softly. She started upon hearing a faint knocking on the office door.

Evie cleared her throat as she came back to herself. “Yes? Come in.”

“Miss Turner?” A young woman poked her head around the door. It was Kate, one of the PhD students assisting Evelyn.

Evie smiled, wondering if it was obvious that she hadn’t been quite _present_ in the moments before the young student appeared. “Yes, Kate?”

“I’ve finished assembling the data from the samples we tested this morning. Was just wondering if there was anything else you needed me to do?”

Evie thought for a moment, tapping her finger against her bottom lip lightly. “Hmm…no, I don’t think so, Kate. There’s not much else for us to do other than wait for the rest of the results to come in.” She observed the younger woman’s face, noticing the dark circles under her eyes, the slightly frizzy hair thrown up into a messy bun clearly for ease rather than style. She remembered the gruelling hours she spent as a PhD student, working under professors and various professionals in the field she aspired to work in, while also writing her thesis and holding down a part time job.

“You can go home, Kate,” she said, taking pity on her. “Maybe even go out and make the most of whatever is left of this Friday night?”

Kate laughed, looking tired. “I don’t think so. I have work tomorrow at 6 so I’m better off just going home and getting some sleep. Are you sure it’s okay for me to go?”

Evelyn nodded. “There really is nothing else to do for now. I’m just getting my report ready so I’ll be here for a bit longer.” She smiled. “Thanks for your work today, Kate.”

Kate nodded and gave a little wave before shutting the door behind her.

Evie sighed tiredly, taking off her glasses and perching them atop her head. She rubbed her eyes, flexed and rolled her shoulders, trying to get comfortable again before settling back into her practically permanent position of being hunched over in front of the glowing screen of her computer. Normally her work was something she could lose herself in, the problems and data enfolding her. She could park her worries at the lab or office door and work and work, despite how grim her work was. She didn’t mind losing herself for a little while this way. But somehow, thoughts and memories of Benedict still managed to force their way into her little bubble. Her days lately were spent casting her mind back, picking apart the memories that floated to the surface.

She shook herself mentally, telling herself to get a grip and to focus. She had work to do.

So work she did, managing to knuckle down and write and analyse, losing herself for a couple of hours. She was beginning to notice her empty stomach grumbling angrily when her phone started ringing, vibrating in her cardigan pocket. She looked at the phone and bit back a smile as she read who was calling her.

“Hi, Ben, what’s up? Bit late to be calling don’t you think?” she said playfully.

“Is it?” He paused. “Oh crap, it is late isn’t it?” He laughed, and she thought she could hear someone in the background saying something to Ben, to which he replied, “Shut up, Martin, I’d like to be able to have a phone call without you butting in. Not everything is about you, you know that?”

Evelyn chuckled, assuming he was talking to Martin Freeman. She tried to ignore the giddy rush that inevitably comes from being in close proximity (well, in this case, kind of) to someone famous.

“Is this a bad time, Ben, perhaps you want to call me back later? I don’t want to get in the middle of a lover’s tiff,” Evelyn teased.

Ben laughed. “No, it’s fine, the wife will get over it, I’m sure.”

This time Evelyn distinctly heard a loud exclamation. “Oi! If anything I’d be the _husband_ , thank you very much!”

“Bah, sure you would be, dear. I think I’m going to find a quieter place.”

After a moment of changing and shifting background noise, she heard Ben shut a door behind himself.

“There, much better.”

“So what’s up, Ben-Ben?”

“Just wanted to check up on you,” he said, a smile in his voice. “Still working?”

“Yeah,” Evelyn stifled a yawn. “And I guess you’re on set?”

“Yep,” he said a little wearily. “But we’re wrapping up soon, I think.”

“Look at the two of us, working on a Friday night.” Evelyn said with a tired chuckle. It had been a few days since their conversation at the café, and it was nice hearing his voice after the tiring day she’d been having. _I could listen to that voice forever and ever_ , she thought with a pang.

“We sure know how to have a good time, don’t we?”

“Of course, party animals that we are,” she said, smiling. She saved her work and began shutting down her computer, deciding to call it a night.

“So I also wanted to call to say that I’ll be back from Cardiff in the next couple of days, which means we can get started settling you in to my house!” Evelyn had learned he spent a lot of time in Cardiff filming, and so she hadn’t wanted to ask about their plans for her to stay at his place, not wanting to be pushy.

Evelyn laughed at the enthusiasm in his voice, feeling rather comforted as well. “Okay. And you’re still sure it’s okay that I stay with you?”

“Yes, Evie,” he laughed, sounding a little exasperated. “How long do you think you’ll be staying in London?”

She sat back in the uncomfortable desk chair, thinking. “Well, my original plan was to consult on this case and go home but now…” she paused, picturing Ben in her mind’s eye. “I was thinking that I’d stay a little longer. A friend of a friend of mine has put me in touch with a position at the university. It would mean getting back into the academic side of things, which would be a bit of a nice change…otherwise it would be back to the States, assisting this or that medical examiner or the police and honestly it’s all getting a bit gloomy for me at the moment…I miss London and strangely enough I miss lecturing and researching…” she noticed she was rambling and trailed off. She also couldn’t deny that she wanted to spend time with Ben and that staying for a little longer in this old city would allow her to do that.

“So, getting to spend more time with your old pal has nothing to do with your decision?” Evelyn could hear the teasing tone in Ben’s voice and smiled.

“Don’t be silly. You don’t have that kind of power over me,” she teased lightly, knowing that statement wasn’t entirely true.

They chatted for a little bit until Benedict got pulled away to get back to work. Ben promised to text her the address of his place just in case he didn’t make it back to London in the next couple of days, with the instruction to use the key hidden cleverly (according to Ben) inside a rose bush outside his home to just let herself in and make herself at home.

“But I’m sure I’ll be back in London,” he continued to reassure her. “It’ll be just like old times. I might even bother you with rehearsing lines with me again,” he joked.

Evelyn smiled softly, remembering. “I think I’d actually really love that, Ben.”

 

*  *  *

 

Ben had texted her that morning, saying he was back in London and to come over whenever she wanted. He said he was taking that day off to recuperate and study lines.

She had to work that day so when she came back to her hotel room, she gathered up her things and packed them away. It didn’t take long to put her belongings away before she was leaving the lonely hotel room, shutting the door behind her. There was a part of her that was glad she wasn’t going to be staying there anymore. Countless stays in hotels in strange cities always left an impression of hollowness on her and though she dealt with it, it was a part of her job she hated. No matter the quality of the hotel, the creature comforts offered, it only amplified the constant state of movement she was in and consequently the feeling of being alone. She realised she’d never really settled down properly anywhere. It made her tired to think of it.

Evelyn checked out of the hotel and got into the waiting taxi outside. Ben had offered to pick her up but she felt like leaving him to rest, despite his protests. She insisted she would be perfectly fine finding her own way over to his place. She also felt like she needed time to collect herself. She tried not to think too hard about the fact that she was going from having had practically no contact with Ben to staying with him, and who knows for how long?

The lights of the traffic and the city blurred outside the car window as the taxi carried Evie through the streets of London. The roads glistened with recent rain, some sullen clouds still scudding across the twilight sky. Evelyn admired it all, her mind always wandering, never quite straying very far from Ben. The city would always hold memories of another time, imprints left all over. The taxi, struggling in the late traffic, slowly passed an old movie theatre they had frequented with friends when they were at university. In the early evening gloom, she could just make out the heavy doors of the theatre where she had on one occasion nearly kissed Benedict, lost in some moment they were having, staring up at him and feeling so much love and history in her heart, it nearly overwhelming her. On a different occasion she remembered him bringing a date to their weekly movie outing, and she recalled how hard it had felt to breathe seeing this other girl on Ben’s arm, them kissing sweetly while Evie tried very hard to hide her heart silently imploding. She was sure she had been perfectly pleasant and friendly that evening, even while a storm of jealousy and perfect sadness raged inside her.

Evie shook her head at her younger self, wondering how she could have felt so strongly about it. Was it just the hormones? Was every young person in love doomed to be as melodramatic as she had been? She wondered if she would be just as jealous today if Ben had a special woman in his life. The feeling of her stomach twisting answered her own question. It occurred to her that she hadn’t even asked about his love life. She pushed the thought away, telling herself she would be fine if he was single or married. She had no right to feel upset either way.

Evelyn spent the rest of the journey on her phone, answering emails and texts, keeping her mind occupied.

The taxi began to slow as they pulled into a quaint looking street, with little wooden fences, well-tended gardens with pretty flower patches and rose bushes against the brick faces of the houses. Finally they pulled up to a house and Evie got out of the car, taking a deep breath of the chilly air, the smell of the recent rain soothing. She grabbed her suitcase, pushed against the little gate and made her way along the little winding path, fringed with tiny white flowers. Evelyn took another deep breath and stepped up to the front door and rang the doorbell, her stomach a riot of butterflies, her heart racing as adrenaline flooded her system.

Ben answered moments later, looking adorably rumpled in a shirt and loose pants.

“Did I interrupt a nap?” Evie asked, biting her lip to keep from chuckling at him sleepily blinking at her.

He smiled, and as cliché as it sounds, it felt just like sunshine breaking through clouds for Evie. “Maybe.”

“Sorry Ben-Ben,” Evie said, pouting. She gestured to the garden. “This garden is lovely. Have you suddenly grown a green thumb while I’ve been away?” She teased, a jealous part of her wondering if it was maybe a sign that he was seeing a woman with the gardening touch.

Ben laughed. “No, Mum visits on occasion and tends to the garden. She says she can’t stand visiting and seeing a garden bed full of weeds, especially when all my neighbours have such beautiful gardens.”

Evie was ashamed about the sense of relief that flooded her.

Ben stooped and picked up her little suitcase and beckoned Evie to come in, shutting out the cool evening behind them.

“Let’s get you settled into your room then, shall we?”                                                                                           

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hardly have the time or feel the inspiration to write these days but I suddenly felt the urge to write and update this fic. I hope you've enjoyed it and thank you for reading this far into it :) 
> 
> Also, in this chapter I refer to "the university" and I'm sorry about being vague but I don't live in England so I really don't know that much about the education institutions there so I thought keeping it vague was the best bet in case I make a fool of myself :D


	7. Photographs and Old Dusty Books

Evelyn followed Benedict up a flight of stairs as he kept up a steady stream of chatter. Only those who knew Ben inside and out would know this was actually a sign of nerves, and she felt somewhat relieved that he was nervous too.

Ascending the stairs, Evelyn noticed the walls lined with framed photographs: Ben beaming, arms around his parents, Ben with friends, on set, photos of mountains and sunsets in exotic places. Evelyn already knew she’d missed out on so much being apart from her childhood best friend but this was stark evidence of that fact and she would be lying if it didn’t make her pause and feel the regret of past mistakes that much more keenly. In each photo of him he looked so full of life, even one where he was laden with backpacks in the rain, his smile was broad, his eyes twinkling. She was reminded of the qualities about him that made her fall for him in the first place. She felt her heart swell with feeling as she studied him in the photos.

Later on, she would wonder how she managed to miss the photos featuring just him and a pretty woman, holding hands or with their arms around each other. She noticed them but her eyes would slide to the other pictures, not realising the significance of these particular photos.

“Evie?” Ben was at the top of the stairs, a questioning expression on his face.

Evelyn realised she’d been staring at the photographs, paused halfway up the stairs. She smiled, it feeling strange and tight on her face.

“Sorry.” She cleared her throat, wondering whether she should confide in him. She looked up at him from where she stood, his face familiar and alien to her at the same time.

She decided against it. “I was just admiring your goofy pictures,” she teased lightly.

He pretended to look offended. “Not all of us can be photogenic.”

She gave him a look. “You know I don’t photograph well. I should have an award for “Person Most Likely to Have Their Eyes Closed in a Photo” award, if such a thing exists.”

“Challenge accepted. I think I have a fair few photos that proves you wrong,” he smiled. “Granted, I’d have to do a bit of digging but I think it can be done.”

Evelyn groaned good-naturedly and continued to follow him down a hallway. “This is my bedroom,” Ben said, gesturing to a room halfway down the hall. Evelyn glimpsed a moderately tidy room with a rumpled bed, betraying the fact that Ben had just been in there napping. The hallway was decorated with different pieces of art and she admired them briefly as she followed him further down the hall. “And this is yours. Well, it’s the guest room but you know what I mean,” he said, stepping into the room at the end of the hall, setting down her luggage beside the bed.

She peeked past him into the room. “Oh, wow.” Evelyn blinked, taking it in. “This is lovely.”

Lovely was an understatement. A fairly large bed piled with plush pillows was pushed into a snug corner, across from a bare wooden desk and small bookshelf. A window was set in a cosy little alcove, complete with cushions. Evelyn could imagine how lovely it would be to sit there and read, sunlight streaming in, a gentle breeze lifting the gauzy curtains. A little bedside table held a lamp and a small pile of old books. She went over to inspect them and noticed something familiar about them. She picked one of them up, turning it over in her hands and realised that the book had been hers a long time ago.

“Look familiar?” Ben’s voice came from behind her. She turned to look at him. He was leaning against the door frame casually, a cute grin on his face. Evelyn’s chest tightened at the sight of him standing there, watching her.

She wrenched her gaze away, willing the feeling in her chest to leave her. She looked down at the other books on the bedside table and realised they were all old books that she thought she had lost.

“But how…? I thought I had lost all these…” Well, looking back, she had left in rather a hurry so it was no wonder she hadn’t grabbed everything…she just thought she had lost them for good.

Ben laughed a little, entering the room and walking over to stand beside her. “You had left so many books in my room back at my parents’ whenever you came over. And that was nothing compared to how many books you left around the flat,” he said, referring to the little flat they had shared briefly back at uni. He smiled at her, amusement tugging at his lips.

“When setting up this room for you, I remembered I still had some of your books so I decided to put them in here for you, so this room might be a little more welcoming. You always used to say you could never feel at home in a room with no books in it.”

He pointed towards the small bookshelf, where more of her old books sat, the shelves practically groaning under the weight of them. “That’s the rest of them. The ones I could find anyway.”

Evelyn realised she had never really wondered what had happened to all the things she left behind, besides the bare minimum she brought with her.

She didn’t know what to say. It had been so thoughtful of him to stock this room with things that would be familiar to her. Even the colour of the sheets on the bed were favourites, the pale purple paisley pattern reminding her of a similar set of sheets she owned a long time ago. She also noticed fresh flowers on the chest of drawers, artfully placed in little pleated pattern jam jars, similar to the way she still decorated her space to this day. And on top of that… “You kept my books?” She looked at him, ignoring the way her stomach flipped as his eyes met hers.

He was looking at her with an unfathomable expression. “Yes. Of course. You look surprised.” He cocked his head slightly, still watching her.

She shrugged, trying to find the words. “It’s just so nice that you hung on to them for me…you didn’t need to.” Falling short of what she wanted to say; how lovely it was holding her old books, how generous he was being despite how little she felt she deserved it. He had barely changed in this regard—his heart was still kind and warm and he was clearly trying to make her feel as at home as he knew how. As simple as it all was, it blew her away.

“I wanted to though,” he said simply, bringing her back to their conversation. “What else was I meant to do? Bin them? Pretty sure you would have had my head on a chopping block for that,” he teased lightly.

Evie laughed. “Maybe.” She smiled at him. “Thanks, Ben,” she said, the simple words falling short of how she felt.

He inclined his head. “Just know you’re welcome to stay here as long as you need to.”

She smiled weakly, still not knowing quite how to show how much she appreciated it, how weird it was accepting a favour from him.

“What’s say we cobble together some tea then?” he said, cutting through the silence. “I’m starving.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait, to anyone who still cares about this fic! :D I might be just as surprised as you that I'm still updating this story, but maybe I shouldn't be, given how much I love writing this. I'm just full of self-doubt etc etc so yeah, anyway, no more rambling! *zips mouth shut*
> 
> Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed this instalment. Longer chapters are coming, I promise!


	8. Chapter 8

“Hmm…well, this looks…promising,” Evie said, frowning at the contents of his pantry. Or should she say _lack of_ contents?

They had come down into the kitchen and had decided they’d see what dinner they could cook up with what he had. Ben opened the fridge, rubbing the stubble on his chin. The contents of the fridge were just as disappointing.

“Well, I haven’t been spending a lot of time at home lately, what with filming…” he trailed off. He turned to Evie, who was poking at things, evidently still trying to find something that might be made into dinner. Their eyes met and he loved how normal it was to have her _right there_ with him, how natural it felt.

It was all he could do not to pull her into a tight hug.

Evie chuckled. “Honestly, my pantry looks about the same most of the time as well. Guess that’s just what working all the time means.” She shrugged, smiling to reassure him that she understood.

Ben checked the time. “It’s not too late to make a quick stop at the shops to get some things. Unless you want takeaway?”

Evie shook her head. “No, I kind of feel like cooking,” she chuckled. “I haven’t had a chance to cook a meal of my own for a while. And anyway, I feel like your kitchen is in sore need of being restocked with food.” She poked him in the ribs playfully as she walked past him to grab her coat.

On the way to the shops they had decided that a simple pasta dish was just the thing they needed—comforting, easy and familiar.

They were browsing an aisle in the supermarket when Ben’s phone starting ringing.

“Oh, hang on a sec,” he said to Evie, moving away down the aisle for a bit of privacy.

 _Zoe calling_. He looked at the words glowing across the screen, feeling a little guilty. He’d forgotten to give Zo a ring back earlier. It seemed all thoughts had been ushered out of his brain the moment Evie appeared on his doorstep. The guilty feeling intensified in his stomach.

“Hey, Zo. Sorry, I forgot to ring you back,” he started.

“It’s alright,” she paused. “I guess Evelyn is with you?”

Ben automatically glanced at Evie. She was reading the label on a jar, shopping basket in her other hand. She was unconsciously biting her lip, frowning a little in concentration, her hair up in a messy bun. She had always managed to look like a vision to him, even in the most mundane of clothes, even if she wasn’t trying. She had always looked wonderful to him. This hadn’t changed and his fascination with her hadn’t ebbed with time. He couldn’t help the feeling that was spreading in his chest as he studied her now.

He cleared his throat. “Yes, she is. We’re just shopping for dinner.”

There was another pause. “Remind me again why you had to let her stay with you?”

This was the new argument in a long string of arguments their relationship had seemed to turn into the past few months.

“Zo, I don’t want to argue about this anymore. She’s a good friend of mine, and she needed a place to stay.”

“She was probably fine in her hotel room, Ben,” Zoe said stiffly, not budging on her position in this argument.

Ben took a deep breath. It was true that he hadn’t needed to offer her a place to stay. But knowing how lonely hotel rooms were, he didn’t see the point in letting her stay there if he could offer her a comfortable place to stay. A little part of him realised how problematic it really was, letting essentially _the one that got away_ to stay in his house with him, how complicated it could be. But he was stubborn, and largely just wanted to be a good friend. He had convinced himself it would be fine, that it didn’t _need_ to mean anything. He was still committed to Zoe, even if their relationship had been difficult the past year. Perhaps it was an indication of the state of their relationship that despite the fact that it made Zoe uncomfortable, he still put Evie above her.

Zoe knew firsthand what Evie had meant to him. She had been a fellow classmate and friend of Ben’s at uni, going on to share a flat with Ben and Evelyn briefly. Zoe was the first person he had properly dated after Evelyn had left. She had been there all the years that Evie had not been.

“It seemed stupid to let her stay in a hotel when I have a perfectly fine spare bedroom.”

“You know that’s not the problem here, Ben.”

“And you’re being paranoid for no reason.”

“Not for no reason, and you _know_ that.”

Evelyn was beginning to move further away down the aisle, still browsing. Ben took a few steps forward unconsciously, following her.

“I don’t want to argue about this, Zo,” he said again, sighing. “You know that nothing is going to happen.”

Zoe went quiet on the other side of the line but he could tell she was holding back. She knew better than to push him when he had made up his mind.

“You know you’re welcome over, right? Say hello, catch up with Evelyn, see that there is nothing to worry about?” he said.

 “Have you even told her you and I are dating?”

Shit.

“Well, strictly speaking…no…” he trailed off, knowing how fucking bad this seemed.

There was an icy pause. “Me showing up would be pretty fucking awkward then wouldn’t it?”

“It doesn’t have to be, Zoe. It just hasn’t come up yet, is all.” Even as the words left his mouth he knew they were the wrong words to say.

“Ben… _how_ has it not come up? We’ve been together what, thirteen years? How could this not have come up in conversation by now? Are you trying to hide the fact you have a partner?”

“Of course not!” How could he possibly explain to Zoe that suddenly she had become the elephant in the room for him, knowing it was something he really should mention, but so far there just hadn’t been a right time. He felt reluctant to touch on the subject anyway, with how rocky the relationship had been this past year. For one more moment he just wanted it to just be uncomplicated with his old best friend, he just wanted a simple catch up. He knew he had to mention it at some point. There was also the fact that neither of them seemed keen to move on to deeper subjects at the moment. He knew that the past couple of weeks that she’d been in the country, they were circling around each other, talking about easy and simple things, perhaps to avoid more complicated subjects. He was convinced they just needed time to feel each other out, get to know the person the other one had become over the years.

And on top of that he knew deep down that Evelyn being back in town was in no way uncomplicated. Throwing her into the mix was _not_ simple. Nothing about this was.

Evelyn had looked over as Benedict raised his voice in frustration. She looked at him with concern and he gave her a tense smile in return.

“Zo, I am not trying to hide anything. You do _not_ have to worry about anything, for the millionth time. You know me.”

“Yes, I do, Ben. That’s why I’m worried about this. Because I know what it could mean, even if you don’t.”

With that she hung up and Ben let out a heavy sigh, rubbing the back of his neck.

“Everything alright, Ben?” Evie had wandered back over as he shoved his phone back into his pocket. She looked up at him, eyebrows furrowed in concern. She reached out a hand to touch his arm.

Was this the moment to tell her? Ben rubbed his chin, trying to think quickly, studying her face under the bright lights of the supermarket, looking for the answer in her green eyes.

He decided. “I don’t know, Evie…” Ben said honestly. It didn’t feel right letting her think things were perfectly okay when they weren’t, especially when she would see right through him. But he was stalling, trying to get himself more time.

“Wanna talk about it?” she asked, dipping into that American accent he was beginning to find quite adorable.

Ben shook his head. He would tell her tomorrow. He just wanted one more day with Evie before he let reality hit.

“You sure?”

He nodded, conjuring up a smile, not quite trusting himself to speak.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 23.12.16  
> Thanks so much for reading and I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Hope you all have a happy and safe Christmas :)


	9. The Fire and the Flood

“Do you have any Italian herbs?”

Ben strode over to the pantry, plucking a little jar off one of the shelves.

Evie took the proffered jar and seasoned the simple red sauce, keeping an eye on the other simmering pots on the stove. It was good that they picked something as fool proof as spaghetti anyway; they kept getting distracted with talking and falling easily into back and forth banter.

Ben had been somewhat more reserved and subdued on the way home. It was obvious something was bothering him and Evie instinctively wanted to pry and figure out what was wrong but she knew better than to push him. When he was ready to talk, he would. So she did her best to cheer him up and bring him out of himself. It really began to work when Evie found herself unable to figure out how to work the stove. Biting back a smile, Ben pushed the one button Evie had missed.

She scoffed. “You young’uns and your fancy gadgets. In my day, we had simple gas stoves, you know. None of this technological shit.” She shot him a smile and that did it. Ben’s face broke into a proper grin and he laughed. Bringing a real laugh out of him gave her “the tinglies” in her chest, as her mum would have described them.

“Never mind that you’re younger than me by what, three months?”

She shrugged and gave him a sly smile. “What can I say? I’ve always been older than my years.”

The kitchen was bright and warm, made all the more cosy by the gentle pitter-patter of rain outside the foggy windows. Somewhere along the way Ben had opened a bottle of wine.

Evie took a sip of the glass he poured her. “Well, you may be unable to keep a well-stocked kitchen, but you do still have good taste in wine.”

“What was all that about understanding? Kindred working-all-the-time spirits with empty pantries to show for our dedication to our work?”

“Doesn’t mean I can’t still poke a little fun at you.”

Ben gave her a look. “I’m going to set the table, Miss Smartypants,” he said, putting on what he probably thought sounded like a good American accent.

Evelyn winced. “Jeez, I hope you don’t have an American role lined up too soon with that atrocious accent. You need some time to polish it up, I think.”

She got a short, smart swipe to the bum with a dish rag for that. Evelyn squealed and shot Ben a mock glare. “Hey!”

Ben pointed to her in warning, twirling the dish rag menacingly with the other hand.

Evie huffed and turned her back on him, smiling a little to herself. “Rude.”

His responding deep, rumbling laughter hit her right in the belly. She tried to remind herself to squash the feeling, but for one second she wondered how much fun it would be to just be able to flirt with Ben. She sighed inwardly, wishing for things to be a little different.

Ben set the table and Evelyn transferred the steaming food to plates. Setting the food down and settling at the table with Ben felt surreal but so very natural at the same time. It could have been any night lifetimes ago when they would have “household” dinners together, to catch up on how their day had gone. Over a simple roast dinner or even cartons of takeaway if they couldn’t be bothered cooking, they would fill each other in on the antics of their day, run ins with crushes, evil professors, difficult customers at their part-time jobs.

It was just so nice to sit across from Ben again, the promise of interesting discussion to come. Evelyn had to stop herself from staring at Ben affectionately across the table but Ben was so focussed on piling his plate high with food that he probably wouldn’t have noticed anyway. She bit back a smile and swatted at his hand, chastising him.

“Leave some for me, Ben! God, it’s like sitting down to eat with a vacuum.”

Ben held his hands up in surrender, chuckling. He handed her the bowl of pasta, their hands brushing. It might have just been Evie but she thought she saw a little spark of interest in his eyes. She ducked her gaze, busying herself with piling food onto her own plate, but she could still feel his eyes on her.

She cleared her throat, needing to fill the charged silence. “So I’ve been looking into getting a flat…” Evie said with a little smile, spearing some pasta onto her fork. She was excited about the prospect of making this city her home again but wasn’t quite sure how Ben would take the news. She figured diving straight in would save her from over thinking how she should bring it up with him.

The look of happy surprise on his face let her know her worries were unfounded. “Really?”

Evie nodded. “I’ve already been to see a couple of places. They were pretty promising but I might keep looking. And Mum said she’ll go looking with me when she and Dad get back from Australia. She has a weird knack for finding the best places and she thinks of things that I always seem to miss.” Evie knew she was rambling nervously but couldn’t seem to help herself. She felt a strange glimmer of hope inside at the transparent look of happiness on Ben’s face. She never used to let herself hope for anything _more_ with Ben…but now…

Ben moved as if to get up and hug her across the table but stopped himself. Instead he grabbed her hand and gave it a friendly squeeze. “That’s great, Evie!” His easy grin and sudden touch sending a burst of butterflies loose in her belly. “I guess that means you ended up getting that teaching post at the university then?”

Evie hoped how she felt inside wasn’t plastered all over her face. How was it that he still managed to have this effect on her? Like every look and every touch was the first. “Yep. You’re now looking at the new professor of anthropology,” she said, flicking her hair over her shoulder and pulling a mock self-satisfied expression, hoping the deep blush creeping up her neck and face could be blamed on the wine. She felt positively giddy with everything. She was going to finally get back to doing what she loved most, which was write, research and teach. She was going to live in the same city as her best friend again. She was tired of the distance, the running from her past. She didn’t want to waste any more time away from him.

Suddenly she rubbed her hands together, letting out a diabolical laugh. “The students I’ll have won’t know what hit them.”

Ben gave her a questioning look and Evie remembered he hadn’t been around when she had been teaching while completing her doctorate. It was so obvious but it was somehow easy to forget they hadn’t always been around each other, especially when they were together now, talking comfortably.

Excited at the prospect of reliving her uni days, she launched into stories about being in cahoots with the academic chair and near torturing the students with harmless pranks. Mostly harmless. What could she say? She had loved injecting humour into whatever class she was teaching. It made up for having to mark some two hundred or more papers every semester and helped liven things up a little. She also hoped it made for interesting classes in what would otherwise be a dry and potentially boring subject.

And just like that, they were regaling each other with various tales from their lives, conversation and drinks flowing. Ben told her of travelling and meeting all kinds of people on his journeys. He talked of finishing his degree and realising that doing anything else with his life would have been a mistake, that being in this industry was what he was _meant_ to do, so he went on to study at LAMDA. Evie knew that had she been there for him, she could have been the one to tell him. She had known all along that there was no other profession more suited to Ben, not one that could bring him more satisfaction and happiness. She had always known, from seeing his performances in school, from days and nights spent helping him do lines, from the absolute glow that lit up his eyes when he talked of his roles. Now, here he was, his acting career really taking off. It was what he had been working towards all these years, all those sleepless nights and the gruelling hours. So many exciting things were on the horizon, such as big productions, such as _Star Trek_ and _An Unexpected Journey_ , just to name a couple.

At some point Ben had gotten up to get them more to drink, settling himself down in the seat beside Evie. She glowed inwardly, loving having him closer, her body just a little hyperaware of his.

The whole time Ben was chatting away animatedly, she took the chance to study him closely, catching up on all the ways his features had changed. His hair was dyed dark for his Sherlock role but it still had that unruly curl to it that she had always adored. His eyes crinkled around the edges whenever he laughed, leaving fine lines that weren’t there all those years ago, showing he was predisposed to laughing and smiling easily and sincerely. His eyes were a deep blue in the cosy lighting and she struggled not to lose herself in their depths.

 _Perfect_ , she thought. _As always._

Evelyn nearly shit a brick when he oh so casually mentioned that he was set to be in the upcoming _Hobbit_ movies.

“No fucking way!”

Ben laughed at her enthusiasm, nodding.

She shrieked in excitement. “No way! Ben! This is SO exciting for us!!”

“For _us_ , is it?”

“Well yeah, I mean as your new assistant, I guess I’ll be right there with you, flying off to New Zealand and everything, right?” Evie insisted, trying to get him to play along.

“Pretty sure I already have an assistant,” he said, chuckling.

“Shh, shh,” she hushed at him, putting a finger to his lips. “That assistant will be me from now on, especially if you get to jet off to New Zealand.”

Evie was still giggling at her stupid joke but trailed off at the look in Ben’s eyes. She realised her finger was still pressed gently against his lips and that they had scooted their chairs closer and closer together without realising over the course of the evening. They were mere inches apart now. His eyes smouldered as he gently took her hand, his eyes flicking down to her lips. Evie realised with a jolt that they were close enough to kiss and an old but very much alive tension was building between them. Her mind couldn’t help going back to that fateful night, so long ago. Just how wonderful it had felt to give in to the feeling between them in that moment.

He leaned closer, the electricity between them almost palpable.

 _Oh my god_ , she thought. _He’s going to kiss me._ She silently hoped she was right and couldn’t help just how strongly she wanted to pull him to her and kiss him hungrily to make up for what felt like a lifetime of want.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 27.1.17  
> Thanks so much for reading and I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Kudos and comments are always welcome! I love talking to you guys ^-^


	10. The Only Truth

Closer and closer, so close Evelyn could see the gold striations in the blue of Ben's eyes, the emotion in them blowing her away. So close she wasn’t even sure she was breathing anymore. He tilted his head ever so slightly, his gaze flicking down to her lips.

And of course, his phone began ringing on the table beside them.

They both blinked, the spell broken. Just Evelyn’s luck, really.

Ben sighed audibly and pulled back, his expression unreadable. He looked down and found they were still holding hands. His gaze slid to his phone just as Evie gently untangled her fingers from his, really wanting nothing more than to hang on to him. His brow furrowed at the caller ID, and he swiped the screen to ignore the call, but not before Evelyn glimpsed the name glowing across the screen, wondering who could make him frown like that.

 _Zoe calling_.

“Ben? What’s wrong?” she was weirdly breathy and her heart was still racing. She cleared her throat, wondering if he could hear the fucking thing, beating away like mad in her chest.

Ben looked conflicted. He raised his eyes to meet hers and she saw it all there. Something was tearing him up. But what?

“Evie, sweetheart…” Ben started, looking intensely uncomfortable.

“Ben, whatever it is, you can tell me. It’s me, remember?” she chuckled softly, the feeling of nervousness intensifying by the second as she waited, wondering what was wrong.

“Exactly,” he murmured softly, ducking his head, avoiding her gaze again.

Evie pulled back, not sure she heard him right, what he meant by that.

“I should’ve told you sooner, Evie.” He finally looked up, taking a deep breath. “I’m not really sure why I haven’t told you yet, if I’m honest but…I have a girlfriend.”

His words were like a sucker punch to the gut, the hope she felt earlier fizzled out—at the tension she still felt when she was near him, his gazing, their near kiss. Before this night she had desperately been trying to convince herself that she didn’t still have feelings for him, that whatever she was feeling were just remnants of a childhood love that only she seemed to have felt. It had only taken these couple short weeks of being back in contact with him to make it clear that she was still terribly, desperately, hopelessly in fucking love with him. He was still the same person she fell for at the start. True, years had gone by, and he was clearly older and wiser for all the things he’d seen and done in that time but he was still Ben. Ben from next door, teasing her mercilessly about her first real boyfriend, and had actually been frightfully overprotective, nearly to the point of scaring away said first boyfriend. The Ben who had suggested they share a flat so they could avoid the dreaded dorms on campus. The Ben who had always told her to follow her own heart, no matter where it led. Here he was, his kind heart still so big and generous and all she wanted, all she had ever wanted was to be able to call that heart home.

Of course he had a girlfriend. Just because she could never make a relationship last didn’t mean he had the same issues as her. He was amazing, talented, interesting. He was impossibly passionate about his work and about life. Who would ever pass up being with this man if given the opportunity?

“We’ve been having some problems the past few months and that’s partly why I didn’t want to mention her. It’s the last thing I want to talk about right now to be honest,” he said, chuckling mirthlessly. “But I have to be honest with you.”

Evie was at a loss for words. She cleared her throat, hoping words would come to her. She smiled, hoping it didn’t look like the most forced smile on the planet, trying her hardest to reverse, trying to get back into the mindset of his supportive best friend. “Well, that’s really great, Ben.” At a loss of what else to say, her mind racing, still stuck on _he has a girlfriend! But we nearly kissed! I don’t understand!_ , she asked the first thing that popped into her head. “How long have you been seeing her?”

If it was possible, Ben looked even more uncomfortable. “About thirteen years…”

Evie couldn’t stop her eyes widening a bit in surprise. “Wow, Ben.” She just wanted to rewind, to go back to hiding how she felt about him. She wondered if that was why he looked so uncomfortable, if maybe he was pitying her feelings for him. She felt mortified. This was exactly why she kept herself hidden, why she never dared to hope. That old fear of rejection, of being vulnerable to him, of laying herself bare to him and have him turn away.

She cleared her throat again, trying to throw up her wall, continue to play the supportive best friend, feeling as though she was backpedalling like mad, trying to put her feelings last. It was _almost_ easy, like trying to pull on a dress that didn’t quite fit right.

A thought struck her. “Is she okay with you letting me stay here?”

Ben rubbed the back of his neck. “Well…no, not exactly.”

“Ben!” she began.

He slumped back into his chair. “Evie, it really is simple. You’re my friend. You needed a place to stay. I know that I personally hate lonely hotel rooms and I just didn’t see the point in letting you stay in one when I have a perfectly comfortable room for you to stay in.” Ben gave a sigh, clearly having had said this same thing many times before, presumably to Zoe. It was clear he wanted to say more, but he seemed to think better of it, breaking off eye contact, running his hands through his hair.

Evie wasn’t quite sure what to make of it. She wanted to press him on the matter but knew he probably wouldn’t budge. She sighed instead. “That’s all very nice and all, but if your _long term girlfriend_ doesn’t want a strange woman staying with you, then I won’t stay here.”

“Well you’re not a ‘strange woman’,” he said stubbornly. “And anyway, she has nothing to worry about.”

Somehow that was like another stab and all she could hope for was that her face didn’t betray how much it hurt to hear him say that. Then she felt like kicking herself. He was someone else’s; he was not hers. She had no right to feel this way, possessive and sad that he didn’t want her in the same way.

They gazed at each other a while, not really sure what to say, how to address what was clearly between them. Evie felt like she could hardly pull in enough air into her lungs when she was under his eyes, especially now, knowing for sure that what she wanted was so close but so fucking out of reach. She should’ve known better. He would always be out of reach.

Ben moved forward a little, pulling her closer to him gently. She sucked in a breath, the smell of him surrounding and enveloping her, the warm smell of his cologne mingling with that special scent only his skin held. She wasn’t sure if she could stand staring into those eyes much longer. Finally, his brows a little furrowed, something like regret or pain in his eyes, he kissed her forehead sweetly, lingering, his hand cradling the back of her neck. The kiss felt almost defeated, final. She wondered about that look in his eyes, what on earth it could mean, thinking if anyone was in pain it was her.

He pulled away and the loss of his touch was something she felt deep in her chest. This was why she never let herself dare to hope. She cast her eyes downward, not wanting to show him how she felt, feeling too tired to throw up her wall. She felt like her eyes would betray the disappointment she felt. 

 

 ***

 

After their near kiss, Evelyn excused herself, saying the wine was making her feel woozy and that going to bed was probably a good idea. He had waved her on, telling her goodnight, his small smile not quite reaching his eyes.

So she fled upstairs and not a moment too soon, for tears began prickling her eyes even as she went up the stairs. She avoided looking at the photos as she went, realising suddenly the significance of the photos of Ben and the woman.

She got to her room, shutting the door carefully behind her. Blindly, she got ready for bed, not letting herself take in the little details of the room that had been so sweet and pleasant to her earlier that day. Once she had pulled the covers up over herself, she lay there in the dark, replaying the near kiss in her head over and over. The way the cozy lighting picked out those striations of gold in his eyes. How could she have forgotten just how beautiful his eyes were? Perhaps she had squashed the memory of them, to try make it easier to forget the very feelings that raged on inside her now.

Perhaps because of the near kiss, thoughts and memories from the year she turned sixteen floated to the surface of her mind. She found herself remembering a winter night a long time ago. The night he had given Evie her first kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 12/2/17  
> Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed this instalment! Feel free to leave me a comment, I love hearing from my readers :)


	11. Brave Enough

Evelyn lay in the dark and let the memories come to the surface.

***

_It was winter break. Ben had come home for Christmas. Evelyn found herself noticing differences in Ben’s appearance every time he came home from Harrow. He was getting taller, losing any last traces of baby fat around his face to reveal those sharp cheekbones, a sleek jawline, his features becoming even more appealing to her. Evelyn wondered if he ever noticed her changing as well, losing some of her awkwardness, becoming a bit prettier, a little more comfortable in her skin. She noticed other boys taking notice in her, even if she wasn't interested in them. She still thought Benedict was out of her league but she liked imagining what it would be like if he suddenly realised he thought she was beautiful, the way she thought he was. These were daydreams she sometimes indulged in as she played her piano, or when she was doing homework and her mind wandered, staring out her window, or while reading some new book._

_Ben was always with her in some way and she stopped thinking it was pathetic of her, always thinking about a boy. She stopped seeing it as some kind of weakness. She already acknowledged to herself that she loved him like a brother (even if she wouldn't admit it was much, much more than that). She thought her stronger feelings might ebb away with time but if anything they became stronger. But this wasn't something she allowed to rule her life._

_At sixteen she got her first boyfriend, Simon. She by no means felt as strongly about him as she did Benedict but she liked being around him all the same, found him funny and cute._

_Benedict had been surprised to hear about it. They were hanging out and talking about some plays he was auditioning for when he mentioned something that reminded Evelyn of something Simon had been talking about the day before. After mentioning this to Benedict, he asked her who Simon was, as she'd never mentioned him before. Up until that point she was careful not to mention him directly, not really knowing why herself._

_“Oh. Simon’s a boy from my year group. He and I...have sort of been going out,” she answered, curious as to why she hadn't mentioned him properly before that point._

_“Oh...” he said. He paused, the silence awkward. “You've never said anything about it,” he said finally, his voice sounding deliberately light._

_“Yes, well it's only been a month...I don't know if we're really putting a label on it anyway...” she lied. Just the week before Simon had introduced her to some of his friends as his girlfriend—definitely putting a label on it. Once again, she wasn't sure why she was lying._

_He cleared his throat. “Okay...well, that's good I guess. I hope he's treating you well,” he chuckled, sounding a little uncomfortable._

_“Oh yeah, he's great. So, you're auditioning for this play after winter break, right?” she oh so subtly changed the subject._

_Ben gladly took the excuse to talk about something else. “Yeah...I'll need your help rehearsing my part actually, so you'll get to do lots of drama work over the holidays,” he said in a mock excited tone, knowing full well she hated drama class herself._

_After her news about Simon, she did notice a small change in how he treated her. He seemed unusually awkward towards her but this only lasted a couple of days and everything went back to normal, thankfully. Evelyn chose not to analyse what might have brought this behaviour on and instead focused on helping Benedict out with his role._

_One cold winter evening, Evelyn and Benedict were sitting in his room going over the play's script. She despised doing drama-related work for school but loved doing this kind of thing with Benedict, especially since she admired how talented he was. She watched as he changed personas, quick as a flash, picking up the character easily and adding little twists on them too, just to make them even more believable. The great thing about these little sessions was he got so absorbed in playing the character he hardly noticed how she would stare in fascination at him, not being able to help herself at all. She wondered how he just got more and more interesting to her the more she got to know him. It didn't help that he always seemed to come back from school seemingly more matured than the last time she saw him, making him irresistibly attractive to her as well. He was sixteen now, she realised stupidly. He'd had his birthday during summer break but she'd only just realised how that made him seem to her...more grown up somehow..._

_He was in the middle of warning her that there was a kissing scene, but that it would just be a peck on the cheek kind of thing and not to be alarmed if he leaned in to kiss her._

_“Why would I be alarmed?” she had asked, laughing a little._

_“Oh...I don't know, your loyalty to Simon might make you run screaming from the room?” he teased her lightly. “But I'm sure you two have done plenty of kissing,” he added nonchalantly, suddenly shifting his gaze to the sheaf of paper in his hands, concentrating very hard on it._

_She wasn't sure how to respond. Truthfully she had chickened out of each advance Simon had made on their dates. She couldn't help dodging kisses from him, feeling ridiculously like a frightened bunny or something similar. She wondered whether she should admit it to Benedict._

_She cleared her throat. “Actually—“ but he started talking at the same time._

_“Erm so let's start from the very top, yeah? Oh sorry, what were you going to say?”_

_She took a breath, not sure why she felt like she was filled with something like dread admitting this. “Well, actually, we haven't kissed yet...” she said in a small voice._

_He raised his eyebrows a little. Blinked. “Really?”_

_Evelyn nodded, feeling herself blush for some reason._

_The blush was what made Ben curious. “Well...how come? You've been going out for a while right?”_

_“Yeah...I don't know. Every time he goes in to kiss me, I dodge it,” she admitted. Suddenly it was quite funny and she gave a small snort of laughter._

_He smiled. “Oh, right.” Was that relief on his face? But he had shifted his gaze back to the script, not really reading it, so his face was partly shadowed. “Well, maybe you don't really like him,” he suggested, his eyes still on the papers in front of him._

‘Well, certainly not the way I like you,’ _she thought to herself. She was momentarily tempted to say it out loud but knew full well she didn’t want to ruin what she had with him. What terrible timing it would be anyway, to announce she was pretty much in love with her best friend. Such an old cliché...she couldn't believe she was actually living it. The silence stretched on._

_Ben cleared his throat as he shuffled through the pages in front of him. “So, I thought we might do the kissing scene since we haven't really gone over that one yet...We've covered almost everything else so...” He looked at her and Evie nodded, smiling awkwardly._

_He told her what page they were on and started, getting into the character as easily as one might slip on a shirt. She read the lines out, still a little distracted by what they had been talking about. Then suddenly she looked up to find Benedict's face inches from hers and her breath caught in her throat. He had a strange look in his eyes that she wasn't able to identify. But that hardly mattered because the next moment he was leaning in, his face, those eyes, those lips, so impossibly close. Before she could begin to process everything that was happening his lips were on hers. As he closed his eyes and pressed his lips to hers she felt the peculiar sensation inside, as if she was blooming, her heart racing. And then his lips were gone, quick as that. She felt tingly all over, like she was getting faint pins and needles all over her body._

_Evelyn felt stunned. She let out a nervous laugh. “I thought you said it'd just be a peck on the cheek,” she said, finding herself unable to meet his eyes, a warm blush creeping up her neck. Whatever had just happened, accident, experiment, just him acting as the character wanting to kiss the character she was playing, she wanted him to kiss her again, very badly. She had to remind herself that grabbing him and kissing him would be a very bad idea, no matter how much she wanted to._

_“Just thought I'd make it more realistic, maybe,” he said, not looking at her._

_Her body still felt tingly, adrenaline singing through her veins, making it torture to sit there and try to act normal. “Well um...who is meant to play opposite you?”_

_“We're meant to be collaborating with this all-girls boarding school actually. A girl named Caroline, I think, is meant to play the character you're reading the lines of.”_

_“Oh.” She didn't really like thinking of him kissing someone else. She knew she was being ridiculous, seeing as how he wasn't her boyfriend or anything. But the thought of him with anyone else made her feel sick._

_“We don't actually have to kiss,” he explained further._

_“So...why did you just kiss me?” Evelyn asked, laughing nervously again, hoping against hope he was going to confess he had wanted to because he liked her, the way she liked him._

_He shrugged, not looking at her. “I was just in character, I guess.”_

_Her heart sank. She should have figured...she knew how involved he got with the characters he played, how he sometimes could get carried away making sure it was all realistic. She remembered one time where he was meant to be playing an angry drunk and he yelled at her so realistically she had backed away from him, cringing._

_“Do you want something to eat? Or tea or something?” he asked suddenly._

_“Oh...um...sure, tea would be nice,” Evelyn answered, trying to pull herself together._

_“Well come on, then. I think Mum also made a batch of mince pies earlier. Onwards, to the kitchen!” he cried, getting up, walking out of the room and bounding down the stairs._

_Evelyn stared at the empty doorway, putting her fingers to her lips, still trying to adjust to having gone from elated from the kiss to feeling practically heartbroken._

***

Ben had given her her first kiss. She realised she had forgotten this small fact.

Evelyn thought about the photographs along the staircase wall, wondering how she could have missed them, how she could have missed the glaring truth, staring her straight in the face. He belonged to someone else.

She shut her eyes against her tears and willed sleep to scoop her up and pull her under, wanting nothing more than blissful sleep to take her away from her thoughts, her memories and most of all her feelings, cursed as they were. 

***

Down the hall, Ben lay awake as well, the image of Evie’s bright green eyes still in his mind. He was embroiled in thoughts of how people convinced themselves to stay in relationships, whether it be out of comfort or fear of being alone. How sometimes it was never for the right reasons. He cast his mind over his own rocky relationship with Zoe, picking it apart, trying to think about why they were having the problems they were. It felt more important than ever to figure out if they could fix what they had, moreover if what they had was worth fixing at all.

Ben mentally traced Evie’s delicate features in his mind’s eye, wishing things were different, that things weren’t so complicated. He guiltily wished he had managed to kiss her. He felt awash with emotion as he thought of her, her smile, her voice.

He got out of bed and went over to the door, yanked it open and strode down the hall. He went to open Evie’s door but his hand hovered over the doorknob, trembling. After a moment, he let his hand drop to his side and leaned his forehead against the door, shutting his eyes against the pull of her, the strong current of desire and need for her that she awoke in him. He wondered how long these feelings had lain dormant, how he had managed to stamp them down for so long when now all he wanted to do was wrench open the door and pull her to him, tell her the truth of everything, of how he felt. How crushed he had been to find she had abandoned him to go to another country with barely a word. How it wasn’t just because his best friend had disappeared, but because before she had left he had thought that they were on the brink of something new, of venturing into something more than friendship. It hurt remembering all of it.

And then there was their near kiss earlier that evening. It made him realise he still felt the same way, a love and desire for Evie that went so much deeper than anything he had ever felt. Then he remembered the reason they had been interrupted. Zoe.

The thought of his girlfriend was like a bucket of ice water being dumped over his head, snapping him out of it. Knowing he couldn’t do anything to betray Zoe, problems or not, he went back to his room, feeling emotionally drained.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 13/02/17  
> An update so soon! I just couldn't really wait to post this chapter so I did. Hope you enjoyed :)


	12. You Put Your Arms around Me and I’m Home

Evelyn woke up in the wee hours of the morning, half-remembered dreams receding fast to the back of her mind. She blinked against the sleep in her eyes in the grey early morning light, wondering for a second where she was. All at once the events of the previous night slammed into her brain, her unfamiliar surroundings suddenly making sense in light of this.

“Shit,” she muttered, sleep making her voice thick. The sadness she went to bed with crept back in, the few short hours she spent sleeping only a brief reprieve from the roiling feeling in her belly, the heaviness in her heart.

Evie ripped the covers off and swung her legs out of bed, needing to get moving. She couldn’t stand sitting still when a quiet, familiar storm raged inside her. In the soft early morning light she began packing up her things, the little bits and pieces she had unpacked the day before. She smiled grimly, knowing if she was good at anything, it was packing up a room thoroughly and quickly, practice of course making perfect. She numbed herself to the feeling of disappointment as she found space in her bags for her long lost books—she had so been looking forward to staying for a short while with Ben and to be packing up her things so soon was disheartening. However, she knew she couldn’t stay there, not when it might be causing an issue in Ben’s relationship.

Once she was done, she surveyed the room, satisfied that she hadn’t forgotten anything. She had left out a change of clothes and her running gear and with a sigh she pulled them on, knowing her usual early morning run would help make her feel a bit better. She decided she’d also give Mum a call and find out exactly when she and Dad would be getting back from their holiday. She couldn’t bear the thought of going back to a cold hotel room after the warm welcome she’d briefly had in Ben’s home. She wondered if it was pathetic that she was running to her parents at her age but squashed that thought, knowing she was being stupid.

After a brief stop in the bathroom, Evie made her way quietly down the hall, resolutely ignoring Ben’s bedroom door, as well as all the photos along the staircase as she tip toed down the slightly creaky steps. She let herself out and braced herself against the cold morning air, taking a deep breath of it in.

Evie picked a song on her phone, jamming her earphones in her ears, and picked a direction and ran, not even bothering to warm up, just needing to get away.

* * *

Ben had gotten up that morning with very little sleep, the night before spent tossing and turning, wondering whether he should just give in to going to Evie. He knew he was too loyal to Zoe for that, even if it was just to talk to Evie about their past, about what had happened to make her leave. Talking about all that would dredge up so much, not just memories, but likely the feelings he’d buried for so long. It would be too complicated. He had to figure out what he was going to do with his relationship with Zoe first, then figure out the next step from there. He knew that was the right thing to do. Still, a part of him yearned to talk this out with her.

Upon leaving his room to make a coffee and maybe some breakfast if his stomach could handle it, he cast his eyes down the hall to Evie’s room. Noticing it was closed, he assumed she was still in bed, and he juggled with the idea of maybe knocking on her door to see if she was up.

He was standing there so long, feeling unsure, that he finally decided to just make two coffees and go from there.

Later on, with a cup of fragrant, steaming coffee in hand, he knocked on her door, his hands trembling a little with nerves. The door opened slightly under his hand, not having been properly closed to begin with. He pushed it open enough for him to poke his head in to find her bed made neatly, her bags packed and sitting by the bed. His stomach dropped, wondering where she was. Had she left? And all of a sudden, it was like that day so long ago, when he’d realised she’d left him without a word.

Ben stepped into the room, his gaze sweeping over everything, as if that would give him some clue as to her whereabouts.

“Fuck,” he muttered inadequately.

That’s when he heard the front door open. Eyebrows furrowed, he went back downstairs to find a very pink-cheeked Evelyn shutting the front door behind her. Relief flooded him to see her, to see she hadn’t left without saying goodbye.

She gave him a little smile, her breathing coming fast, a slight sheen of sweat on her face. Absurdly, he felt a slight stirring in his pants at the sight of her out of breath and sweaty from a run, all manner of other images flooding his brain, other things that might make her out of breath. Talk about an inappropriate time to feel turned on by someone. His felt his own cheeks colour at this, feeling like a horny teenager.

Evelyn gave him a bit of a weird look and he realised he was just standing there, staring at her.

Finally she broke the silence. “I hope it’s okay…I went for a run and I just used your key to let myself back in.”

He nodded, clearing his throat. He offered her the cup of coffee in his hand that he had nearly forgotten about. “Just went upstairs to see if you’d like a coffee. Didn’t realise you’d gone.”

“Oh, thanks…” she nodded, taking the proffered cup gingerly, carefully avoiding his touch in the exchange.

In that moment, Ben noticed that her eyes were slightly puffy and wondered why that was. As if sensing his questioning gaze, she ducked her eyes and began making her way into the kitchen. He followed, not able to help himself check out her slim legs and firm bottom as her hips swayed side to side. He chastised himself, not quite sure what his brain was doing that morning. He had forgotten how attractive her body was to him but this was _not_ the time to notice this.

Evie perched herself on a chair, her hands wrapped around her mug, not looking at him.

“So…” Ben started, wanting to break the silence. “Breakfast?” He began pulling things out of the pantry and fridge—fruit, eggs, butter, bread and some ham they had picked up at the shops the night before.

“Yeah, that sounds good,” Evie said quietly, her voice a little more hoarse than usual.

He looked at her in concern, about to ask if she was alright when she spoke first.

“I found a park nearby and sat down to give Mum a ring halfway through my run,” she started. “I’m actually so rubbish at running, honestly…I always have to take breaks.”

Ben chuckled. “I’m the same. My trainer says I’m getting better, but I think he’s just trying to spare my feelings.” He shot her a grin, but she just gave him a weak smile in return. She averted her gaze and the closed off expression on her face trailed a finger of worry down his back. “Go on,” he said, wondering what she was thinking.

“She and Dad are going to be back in a few days so I’m going to stay with them.”

His hands stilled on the bowl and fork he was using to whisk up some eggs. He was so surprised he blurted out one word. “Why?”

Finally she raised her eyes to meet his. She had a defeated look in them that he’d never really seen before and it made him want to pull her to him, kiss it away, coax out what was bothering her. Then he remembered Zoe and felt immediately guilty.

“I can’t stay here,” she said simply.

Ben set down the bowl on the counter and took a few steps toward her. They didn’t break eye contact and he noticed she inhaled sharply as he moved closer to her.

Bolstered by this reaction, he pushed further. “Why not?” Something in him wanted to trigger the conversation he knew they needed to have, the very conversation the reasonable side of him knew would probably change and complicate everything.

Evie looked like she was trying not to sigh in exasperation. “Because your girlfriend doesn’t want me here, Ben. It’s that simple. I’m not going to make your relationship uncomfortable if she doesn’t want me staying with you.”

Ben deflated a little, refraining from pointing out how the relationship had already been uncomfortable for months. Evie didn’t need to know that. He’d been hoping for her to give him a different response for some reason. However, knowing Evie, she put everyone ahead of herself. He had an inkling that she might have feelings for him, judging by their near kiss, by their history, the chemistry he felt when they were close. This response was so typical of Evelyn. Forever the good friend first.

“But you don’t need to leave,” he said, his voice low. He didn’t want her to leave.

She shook her head at him, finally looking away. She got up and brushed past him to start helping with breakfast. Anything to keep her hands busy, any excuse to pull herself away from his gaze. She began chopping up some vegetables to go with breakfast.

“I’m not going to get in the way of your relationship, Ben…and if your relationship is as rocky as you say, I doubt my being here is going to help. You need to work that shit out without me here.”

He sighed. “What if I need someone on my side for when she’s being unreasonable?” he asked, attempting to sound playful but just managing to sound tired.

She shot him a look. “That sounds like a terrible idea, joke or not. Has no one told you that relationships are all about compromise?”

“Sure and I am the king of compromise,” he said a little bitterly. “But when it’s something _I_ want or feel strongly about, I’m the bad guy.”

Evelyn felt a weird thrill despite herself, wondering if he realised how his words could be interpreted—that maybe he wanted her, that maybe he felt strongly about her. She knew that it was a stretch and that she was being silly but she glanced at him, and her gaze stilled on his profile. He caught her looking and she looked away quickly, going back to what she was doing.

“Well, obviously I don’t know any details of your relationship but thirteen years is a long time…clearly it’s a serious relationship.” It hurt to say these words but she pushed on. “I’m just saying with how long you’ve been together, clearly it’s worth figuring it out?”

Ben didn’t say anything but nodded, letting her know he was listening to her.

Knowing she wasn’t going to get anything else out of him, Evelyn changed the subject. “Anyway, I’ve already booked myself back into that hotel.”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Eve. You said your parents aren’t back for another few days. You can stay here in the meantime.”

A part of her warmed to the fact that he was fighting to keep her around. Another part of her felt exasperated by his stubbornness.

“Ben, please. I appreciate it but work things out with your girlfriend first. How annoyed with you was she to know I was staying with you?”

“Well…very annoyed, to be honest.”

“There you go,” she said, her tone final.

Ben looked like he was going to argue further but Evelyn cut him off. “So…tell me about your girlfriend. I have a lot of catching up to do,” she said, her voice playful, but the words feeling a little like knives falling from her mouth.

Ben sighed. “Her name is Zoe. You know her, actually,” he said, suddenly remembering this fact. “We all shared a flat together.”

“Zoe Miller?” She remembered their pretty flatmate. She chuckled a little. “She had the biggest crush on you, you know.”

“Did she?”

Evie rolled her eyes. “Yes. It was easy to tell from the way she looked at you and the fact you were all she could ever talk about with me—how to get your attention, what movies and books you liked, the list went on and on. I thought nothing got past you, _Sherlock Holmes_ ,” she teased.

Ben shrugged. “I was a little preoccupied with someone else when she moved in, honestly…” He moved on hurriedly, realising he was going into dangerous territory. “It wasn’t until a couple of years after you left that we started going out.” He described how after Evelyn had left, he had moved out of their flat and in with a couple of his friends. He left out the fact that he couldn’t stand living in a flat that constantly reminded him of Evie.

“So a couple of years later I ran into Zoe while studying at LAMDA. She asked me out for a coffee and we just hit it off.” He smiled softly, remembering. “She was quite different from the shy girl I remembered from a couple of years before.”

By now they had plated up breakfast and were sat at the table across from each other. Evelyn was grateful to have a plate of food in front of her to focus on while he relived some history. She knew she had to hear all this but it was still difficult to take in, listening to him talk of Zoe fondly. While Evie had been around when Ben had gone out with a fair few women, it had been years since she’d had to pretend it didn’t mean anything to her. She had forgotten how hard it was.

“So…you’ve been together this long…but you haven’t moved in together yet…?” she asked carefully, wondering.

Ben shifted in his seat, feeling a little uncomfortable. This wasn’t lost on Evie and she wondered what was going on in his mind.

Zoe had actually hinted and poked at Ben about this same thing for years. Ben had always weaselled out of it for one reason or another—he mainly insisted he had needed his own space for his work. They were both involved in acting so their work took them all over, away from home sometimes anyway, so what was the point? If he was honest with himself, he knew that he had always unconsciously held back from putting himself in the relationship fully in this way, that he was made of excuses whenever Zoe brought it up. He never really let himself dissect the reasons behind this though.  

“I don’t know…it never felt like the right thing to do, for some reason,” he answered honestly, feeling uncomfortable with this truth.

Evelyn, sensing this, didn’t push him further on the subject, despite the curiosity she felt. “Maybe that’s why things have been so rocky, as you say,” she ventured delicately. “Maybe she’s getting annoyed waiting for you to be ready to take it to the next level with her?”

Ben just nodded. As usual, Evelyn cut down to the heart of the problem, revealing uncomfortable truths he didn’t like admitting to himself.

***

Despite Ben’s protests, Evelyn went ahead with booking herself into a hotel again. She knew it was the right thing to do, even if Ben was being a stubborn shit about it.

Ben set down her suitcase by the front door and sighed. “I get my best friend back and now I have to say goodbye again so soon.” He looked at his shoes forlornly, but he gave himself away when he peeked at her from under his lashes.

Evelyn gave him a look. “Stop being so dramatic. I’m still going ahead with moving to London. It’s not like you’re never going to see me again.”

“So you say _now_ …”

“Ben, stop trying to make me feel guilty. I’m trying to help _you_ , remember?”

He looked unconvinced but didn’t say anything.

A car horn sounded outside, letting them know Evelyn’s cab arrived.

Ben stooped low to pull her into a sudden bear hug. Evelyn shut her eyes briefly, surrounded by the familiar smell of him. “Keep in touch, Evie,” he murmured close to her ear, his deep voice sending a little shiver down her spine.

Evelyn gave him a squeeze, completely aware of the feel of his firm, warm body against hers. She couldn’t help the pang of longing she felt, how right it always felt to have him hold her. “I will, Ben-Ben.”

And with that she left his home. Despite knowing it was a bad idea, she looked back to where he stood on his doorstep, a conflicted look on his face as he waved her goodbye.

Evelyn couldn’t get that look out of her head for hours after, wondering.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 18.04.17  
> Thanks for waiting so patiently for an update! Hope you enjoyed this chapter :) I certainly enjoyed using writing this up as an excuse to put off doing a pile of assignments :D   
> I kind of felt like this chapter was too long and weird, but hopefully that's just me being paranoid? :D


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